Small talk has a long history. No telling how far it goes back, really, but at some point, Anglo-Saxon societies established it as a ritual of civility. Exchanging a few banalities was part of the social code – a way of signaling both politeness and boundaries.
In our tech-dominated world, which often tends to isolate people, it’s more important than ever to be able to start a conversation or casually chat with people you encounter in everyday life.
Lisa Terry, MSW, LCSW, says, “I’ve been hearing some variation of the same observation from my clients for 30 years. They suffer anxiety about going into public places, are lonely, and isolate except to go out to run errands.
“But they never put themselves out there, start a conversation, even share a smile.”
Verywell Mind, a mental health and wellness website, defines small talk as the informal, polite, light conversations people have when they don’t know each other well.
Although such social transactions generally focus on inconsequential topics, they’re an important way to feel connected and make connections, build rapport, and nurture relationships. At the same time, avoiding small talk, staying locked in silence, can worsen anxiety in the long run.
Heading into a situation where small talk is possible or expected, decide on a few things to talk about ahead of time. This can help build your confidence and improve your social skills.
Forbes Magazine outlines four benefits of small talk:
1. It enables us to find common ground and shared interests.
2. It improves active listening skills.
3. It helps us build muscles to overcome social discomfort and improve spontaneity.
4. It lays the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics which require a greater degree of psychological safety.
Terry says, “I explain to my clients that they don’t have to make grand gestures. Whether in a public place like Publix or casually bumping into your neighbor while getting the mail, small actions can often be enough [to have a positive psychological effect, lessening feelings of aloneness and rejection.
“Make eye contact even if just for a few seconds – it matters, it counts, people feel and notice it.”
Science News Today says that in our modern lives, we’re making less eye contact than ever. We stare at screens, type instead of talk, swipe instead of see.
Studies suggest that the decline in eye contact may be contributing to rising feelings of loneliness and disconnection. When we avoid eye contact, we short-circuit the neural pathways of empathy and intimacy.
“Say ‘hi’ if you can gather up the courage to do so,” says Terry. “The return will be worth it.”
Psychology Today says there’s profound power in a simple hello and describes a study of commuters who were asked to strike up a conversation with a stranger on the train.
Commuters predicted that it would be awkward and unpleasant and that most strangers would be completely uninterested in chatting. In contrast, the reality was that participants assigned to talk to a stranger had a much more positive experience than those who were in a control group that didn’t strike up a conversation with anyone during their morning ride.
And the strangers seemed to welcome the interaction, creating a positive experience for everyone involved.
“Give a genuine/authentic/sincere compliment,” suggests Terry. “It can be about their shoes, their pen, their glasses. Anything will do so long as it’s heartfelt.’’
SPSP (Society for Personality and Social Psychology, Inc.) says that complimenting others has positive effects both for the person giving the compliment and for the person receiving it.
Says Terry, “By acknowledging another fellow human, you are acknowledging your own existence.”
“Social gatherings can be tougher, because the pressure to socialize is greater,” shares Terry.
“Casually ask general questions – how the person came to be there, if he or she knows other attendees. Despite what many people think, most of us like being asked questions: We feel seen.”
Science of People, which offers science-backed training to learn to communicate with confidence, says that when you’re stuck for small talk topics, remember FORD: Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams. These four categories provide an endless supply of conversation material while staying appropriately surface-level for casual interactions.
• Family: “Are you originally from this area?” or “Do you have family nearby?”
• Occupation: “What’s your work like?” or “How long have you been in your field?”
• Recreation: “What do you like to do in your free time?” or “Any fun plans for the weekend?”
• Dreams: “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” or “Any exciting projects on the horizon?”
Fear, which comes in many forms, often stops people from engaging in conversation with strangers, says Terry. “What if they won’t stop ‘talking at you?’ people worry. I explain that a simple ‘I have to go,” accompanied by a compliment and some form of good wishes is the perfect exit.”
The other universal fear is that we’ll try to engage with someone and they won’t respond,” Terry continues. “Say hi anyway. You have no idea what that person is going through and maybe your greeting will be the highlight of their day.
“Here’s what not to say,” says Terry. “Don’t give unsolicited advice. Giving unsolicited advice can sound condescending. Don’t start off with negative statements – about anything.”
Lisa Terry, MSW, LCSW, has been in private practice since 1996. She received her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Florida State University and is a licensed clinical social worker. She is accepting new clients at her practice, Terry Mindfulness Center LLC, 847 20th Place, Vero Beach.
If you want to learn more or make an appointment, visit terrymindfulness.com or call 772-663-6723.
