Do you find it hard to make decisions based on what you want because you’re always thinking about what everyone wants?
If you have trouble setting personal boundaries, you’re not alone. An article in Verywell Mind, a mental health and wellness news resource for consumers, recently printed an article stating that just over 8 percent of respondents polled said they have a hard time setting boundaries – at least some of the time.
Lisa Terry, MSW, LCSW, explains what boundaries are. “It can be personal space, as in the physical space around you. Most of us have a comfort zone where we feel most physically comfortable in any given situation. We typically try to maintain this comfortable space around us so that we feel safe and at ease.
“Guidelines we each have for this boundary depend on to whom we are referring – family members, lovers, partners, best friends, coworkers or strangers,” she says.
The University of California at Davis website lists other types of boundaries:
- Emotional: protecting your emotional well-being.
- Sexual: protecting your needs and safety sexually.
- Workplace: protecting your work-life balance.
- Material: protecting your personal belongings.
- Time: protecting the use and misuse of your time.
Terry explains that fear tends to prevent us from establishing boundaries. “We assume/think we may hurt someone’s feelings, offend someone such that they won’t like us or we’ll be judged harshly.
“In your mind, here’s what this may sound like: ‘I knew I should have said no. Why did I let them come over? I’m always in the middle. I have to go/do/be ____ or I will disappoint or let them down and they won’t like me.’
“These are examples of not being true to yourself, leading ultimately to not being honest with yourself and others out of fear.”
Psychology Today adds a few more reasons why people have trouble setting boundaries:
- FOMO (fear of missing out) – the thought of missing any kind of opportunity for growth, fun, recognition, or something that leads to a feel-good result catapults you into a sea of over-commitment and perpetual quest for experience.
- Perfectionism – you’d rather eat the stress than let someone else down. You want to bring your absolute best to everyone and everything you set out to do.
- Social conditioning – our identities are often tied up in how much we’re doing for people. This is especially true for women.
Want to learn how to get better at establishing clear boundaries?
Terry has some suggestions. “Well … a lot of people will say ‘just tell them NO, tell them how it is, let them know they crossed the line, tell them they hurt your feelings, have a talk with them.’
“I think this may be a good idea at times. However, it’s up to you to establish your own boundaries,” she says. “A simple, ‘I’m not comfortable with that/this,’ ‘I’m not able to make it,’ ‘no thank you, thank you and no thank you again’ (when people are pushy) are some simple statements that set clear boundaries in a gentle assertive way, without over-explaining.”
She continues, “We all feel a bit nervous establishing boundaries the first time and sometimes for fiftieth time. However, the freedom and self-empowerment are irreplaceable and feel great.
“If you’re not sure about your boundaries, make note of when you feel you’ve been taken advantage of, someone assumed you would do something, you did or do things you really do not want to be a part of or don’t want to do it,” Terry says. “Also, try and take note when you feel like you’re always giving in to a particular situation with a particular person.”
“Pause when you start to feel you have to say yes or be agreeable. It’s completely acceptable to say ‘I need to think about that. I’ll get back to you.’’’
Psychology Today shares eight signs that indicate you may have a problem setting and maintaining boundaries:
1. You absolutely hate it when you let other people down. You often go along with their plans and say yes to things you wouldn’t usually choose or want to do.
2. You think that how other people feel is up to you. You worry if they’re having a good time and are feeling good.
3. You’re constantly tired and don’t know why. It’s because you’re giving all your energy away by tending to everyone else’s needs and putting your own on the back burner.
4. It’s easy for other people to take advantage of you. You’re pretty sure that’s not what you agreed to, but you’d rather not say anything.
5. You’re annoyed all the time because you’re never really doing the things you want to do and are usually going along with others.
6. In your heart of hearts, you think no one respects you.
7. It’s hard for you to make decisions based on what you want because you’re always thinking about what everyone else wants.
8. It can feel like you are having an identity crisis. What’s it like to make a decision based on what you want to do rather than what you think others want you to do?
“Social media has impacted people establishing boundaries in both negative and positive ways,” explains Terry. “Sometimes people who wouldn’t speak up and establish a boundary will on social media where they feel less emotionally threatened.
“Every day I encourage people to shut the phone off for a specific amount of time. If you’re at work leave the work-related notifications on, but put Facebook, Instagram, etc., on a timer.
“Friends and family will get used to you responding when you’re ready. They may even be inspired to give it a try.”
Terry concludes, “Establishing boundaries is a lifelong exercise. We find ourselves in new relationships, new experiences that may challenge or change our old boundaries. The sooner you get comfortable setting boundaries, the easier the habit will become.”
Lisa Terry has been in private practice since 1996. She received her bachelor’s (1990) and master’s (1991) degrees from Florida State University and is a licensed clinical social worker. She is accepting new clients virtually and in person at her practice, Terry Mindfulness Center LLC, 847 20th Place, Vero Beach. To learn more or make an appointment, visit terrymindfulness.com or call 772-663-6723.
