Sibling relationships are important. Friendships may come and go, but you’re basically stuck with your siblings. This relationship is often one of the longest in a person’s life.
“Your relationship with your siblings is unique,” says Crystal N. Hutchinson, MSW, LCSW, who practices as a licensed clinical social worker in Vero Beach.
“They’re your first peer group and offer your first experiences with conflict resolution. You have a shared history.”
Siblings share so much experience, good and bad, and are engrained with many of the same deep-seated perspectives and ways of seeing and behaving in the world. This creates a powerful connection but can also lead to stubborn and often complex conflicts with a lot of emotional charge.
“Sibling therapy is a sub-category of family therapy that examines the dynamic between siblings,” who want closer, happier, healthier relationships.
Most Americans grow up with siblings who often know us longer than anyone else – longer than a spouse, longer than old friends – but that does not mean sibling relationships don’t ever run into trouble.
Hutchinson says no one is exactly sure why, but there has been an uptick in siblings seeking therapy since the pandemic.
“What happened during your growing up years that shaped the way you feel and interact today?” she asks.
“People working through relationship issues want the guidance of someone who’s not tethered to the situation. That’s where a therapist comes in.
“Every therapist works differently,” Hutchinson explains.
“The first time, I meet with both individuals, so they feel like they’re on equal footing. Then, I often separate them for one or two visits, so they are free to be open and honest about their emotions when they speak with me.
“We then resume combined meetings. I find this works whether the siblings are in their 20s or 60s.”
“Everyone needs to learn the tools and skills needed for healthy communication – listening and acknowledging what your sibling is saying, even if you don’t accept the statement the way it’s being presented.
“We have to remember that every child is raised differently, so siblings usually don’t experience and remember things from their childhood the way their brother or sister does.”
Unconscious factors that parents experience can result in them raising children differently, according to a recent article in Psychology Today. Parents emotionally condition their children into distinct personality roles.
This happens when parents project onto each child their unconscious desire of what they want that child to be. Often, these are the same projections their parents placed on them when they were young children. Those parental projections can powerfully affect children’s personalities.
Hutchinson says, “In some ways, we may pay a price for our parents’ issues. Was physical beauty important to one of them, resulting in the more attractive child being favored? Did a child come out as gay in an unaccepting household?
“Were these negative feelings passed on to the siblings?”
One of the goals of sibling therapy is to help brothers and sisters learn to stop “playing the same old tapes” – unconscious mental loops, core beliefs and emotional reactions that were programmed into them during their early years.
It is the inner soundtrack of old scripts – things your parents, teachers or environment repeated to you until they became your own internal voice.
“A good therapist will help you learn to acknowledge and validate unpleasant things that happened that helped shape the relationship between you and your sibling,” says Hutchinson.
A maneuver often used in dysfunctional sibling relationships is triangulation – a manipulation tactic that involves bringing a third party into a conflict to create division or gain control.
Instead of addressing the problem directly, a person uses triangulation to stir things up behind people’s backs, often pitting people against one another. It’s a classic “divide and conquer” move that often shows up in toxic relationships and family dynamics.
Hutchinson gives the example of a mother and two daughters when the mom doesn’t get along with one of the daughters. “She’ll bring her complaints about daughter No. 1 to daughter No. 2.
“Meanwhile, daughter No. 1 feels wronged by the mother and she, too, brings her grief to daughter No. 2. Daughter No. 2 is being triangulated and absorbing stress that’s not really hers.
“This is a perfect example of a situation that can be helped by sibling therapy so that the relationship between the sisters can be healthier as they learn what is causing this action on their mother’s part and how to deal with it.”
There are many positive reasons to enter into sibling therapy, Hutchinson says. “Do you have aging parents? Are you and your siblings in agreement on how to guide them through that?
“If your sibling were to go through a family tragedy of his or her own, are you of the mindset to be able to stand by and help them?
“Is there a generational issue that needs to finally be addressed?”
In closing, Hutchinson says sibling therapy won’t help truly toxic relationships.
You may be dealing with a toxic sibling if they’re constantly overly critical, they’re manipulative, they’re dishonest, they’re “repeat offenders” and they’re overly competitive.
“When you’re dealing with a sibling with these unhealthy behaviors, it’s important to learn to protect yourself from him or her. It’s OK to set boundaries. It’s OK to walk away,” Hutchinson says.
Crystal N. Hutchinson, MSW, LCSW, has a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Florida and a master’s degree in social work from Walden University. She practices as a licensed clinical social worker at 902 20th Place, Vero Beach. Her phone number is 772-8828-0461.
