If you’re like most people, you’ve probably heard the saying “silence is golden.” But when it comes to relationships, is that really true? And exactly when does “silence” become “the silent treatment?”
Medical News Today, a website offering health information and news about medical research, defines “the silent treatment” like this: It’s when a person refuses to communicate with someone because they are angry or upset. It can sometimes be a form of emotional abuse.
Jackie Vitek, LMFT, PMH-C, a marriage and family therapist who practices in Vero Beach, adds to that description. “The silent treatment takes place when a person shuts down emotionally and refuses to communicate, particularly during times of conflict.
“This can include such actions such as refusing to respond at all and literally going silent, dismissing the other person’s concerns, not reacting in any significant way to the other person, busying oneself while the other person is trying to communicate, avoiding eye contact, walking away, ignoring the other person completely, and eye rolling.”
Vitek explains that 85 percent of people who stonewall are men. “Typically, their intention is to try to keep the conflict from getting worse. However, stonewalling really has the opposite effect, making the person on the receiving end get more emotionally upset.
“Not only is it ineffective, it’s also counterproductive and often is a means for people to avoid taking accountability,” Vitek continues. “There is a significant difference between calling a ‘timeout’ and ‘stonewalling.’ Calling a timeout is an effective coping skill when you’re feeling flooded emotionally.”
Telling the other person that you are upset and need time to calm down before trying to solve the problem, while also agreeing to come back to the conversation at a later time, is healthy.
“That time should be used to actively do some psychologically self-soothing activities (go for a walk, listen to music, journal, draw, exercise, go for a drive, call a supportive person, etc.) to regulate your emotions to get to a mental state where you can re-engage in the conversation and try to work toward conflict resolution,” Vitek says.
Stonewalling, on the other hand, is harmful. It is a lack of communication, and it sends a message that the other person’s thoughts and feelings are unimportant, and you are not interested in conflict resolution.
Verywell Mind, a website that provides information about mental health and wellness, describes the difference between silence and the silent treatment: There are times in relationships when being silent is acceptable and even productive. For instance, a couple, or even just one partner, may take a thoughtful timeout from a heated argument to cool off or gather their thoughts. What distinguishes this silence from the silent treatment is that the timeout is mindful and there is an assumption or agreement that they will revisit the topic again later.
Psychology Today says that being the target of silent treatment is a challenge for anyone, but it is especially difficult for individuals who already have low self-esteem. A part of this pattern includes fear regarding the stability and dependability of relationships – anxiety that is heightened when a partner refuses to communicate.
Vitek has some suggestions for those who are getting the silent treatment. “You can try to call a timeout, acknowledge that they – and possibly both of you – are upset and need to take a break to calm down.
“Ask if they would be willing to take that timeout and also agree to reconvene at another time to try to continue the discussion.
“It’s amazing how much better we can problem solve after something as simple as having a snack or getting some sleep and then trying the conversation again the next day. It also helps to try to view the other person as your teammate and someone that you want to try to solve a problem with, rather than viewing them as your enemy or adversary.
“Stonewalling is particularly destructive to parent-child relationships because it communicates that the adult is not able to effectively manage his or her emotions and communicate,” Vitek says. “It teaches the child, via modeling, unhealthy communication patterns.
“As parents, we have to set the tone. It is our responsibility to try to regulate our own thoughts and feelings so we can effectively communicate with our kids and help them learn to effectively regulate and solve problems themselves.
“No one is perfect, and if a parent makes a mistake and yells or says something hurtful or stonewalls, it is important to admit that mistake, apologize, and make a commitment to yourself and your child to do better in the future.
“Repair is important and so is taking active steps to change behavior for the better, instead of just repeating maladaptive behaviors and/or making empty promises to do better. A child who is faced with a parent who regularly stonewalls them will likely often feel anxious, and this could lead to the development of anxiety and/or depression disorders for the child over time. It can also negatively impact attachment.”
Quoting psychologist John Gottman, Vitek notes that there are four destructive patterns of communication that can lead to the downfall of a relationship: excessive criticism, contempt, defensiveness – and stonewalling/the silent treatment.
Jackie Vitek, LMFT, PMH-C, is a marriage and family therapist with a B.S. in Psychology and an M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Central Florida, where she also did clinical studies. She is a member of the American Counseling Association and the Mental Health Counselors Association. Her practice, Positive Pineapple Therapy, is located at 1485 37th St., Vero Beach. Call 772-300-5885 for an appointment.
