This week I had a fascinating innerview with an elluh-gunt liddle (very liddle) lady – Pansy-the-Poodle Bardes, who is a FAY-muss children’s author an literary celebrity. Pansy is an almost-12-year-old, 5-pound toy poodle with curly brown hair an a stylish Puppy Cut with fluffy Dutch Bob ears. TRAY chic.
I gotta admit, I was a liddle nervous: I fluffed my ruff, smoothed my ears an made sure I had extra pencils. Cuzza her bein’ FAY-muss an all, you might expect she’d be a Snobnose, but she totally wasn’t.
Eschewing the usual Wag-an-Sniff, she trotted over to me, smiled, an in a soft liddle voice, said, “Good afternoon, Mr. Bonzo. I can’t tell you how delighted I am to make your acquaintance. As fellow writers, I’m sure we have much in common. Let’s just relax, take a break, and have a lovely, informal conversation. I think you’ll find my liddle anecdotes amusing. But first, may I introduce my Mommy, Cynthia. My PaPAH, David, couldn’t be with us, but sends his regards.”
I gulped an re-smoothed my ears. “The pleasure is mine,” I managed, then added, don’t ask me why, “I brought extra pencils.” I immediately thought to myself, ‘You brought extra pencils? Seriously? You said THAT? You are a Total DOOF!’
Pansy laughed a soft liddle laugh. “Well, we writers can never have too many pencils. Now, why don’t I tell you a bit about myself.”
Gratefully, I opened my notebook, an she began: “Mommy was in Manhattan for dinner anna show. She was early, so she decided to go window shopping. Well, she came to this fancy shop with fancy puppies in the window, including me. I was 3 anna half pounds then, a tiny brown fluffball. Not to boast, but I was extremely adorable an, of course, caught her eye, as she did mine. She looked so pretty an kind. Then she hurried away. Luckily, she didn’t forget me. She had planned to visit MOMA the next day but, instead, she called the shop to hold me, went shopping an bought lots of puppy stuff, then came back, fetched me and poof! we flew back to Florida an my grand new life began!”
“That is a fabulous story!” I exclaimed. “But how did you become an author?”
“Mommy an I went everywhere together. I ’specially love the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills, where we stay every fall. It’s quite far from here. You just go left till you get to that other ocean. I am Very Popular with everybody there. The con-see-AIRGE is Crispy Biscuits, an I so much enjoy relaxing in the lounge while Antonio plays piano.” (She sighed) “I still miss the rest-runts in Beverly Hills. They’re so GLAMMER-us! Anyway, several years ago, Mommy was crossing Wilshire Bully-vard an got hit by a car an badly hurt. She had an operation an stayed in bed at the hotel for a Very Long Time, till she got better. I remained by her side the Entire Time, of course.”
“Oh, Woof, Miss Pansy. That’s terrible!”
“It WAS, but Mommy says it turned out to be making lemonade from lemons.”
“Making what?”
“I know. It’s a human thing. Apparently, lemons taste ukky, but lemonade tastes yummy.”
“Oh, OK.”
“Anyway, Mommy had Lots of Time waitin’ to get better. She’s a Very Creative Human an had an In-spur-RAY-shun: maybe we could write a miss-tree/ad-VEN-chur book for liddle humans starring ME!”
“Pawsome!”
“I suggested it could include an Important Life Lesson, like when us puppies go to school to learn Necessary Puppy Stuff. Mommy liked that idea, so we worked an worked an wrote ‘Pansy at the Palace’ (a hotel just like the Peninsula). It also starred my ackshull niece, Avery.”
“What’s it about?”
“In the story, Avery lives at the hotel, an adopts me from a shelter, an I solve the miss-tree of the missing jewels an save the hotel from ruin!”
“That is Totally Coo Kibbles, Miss Pansy. What’s the Important Life Lesson?”
“It’s ‘No one is too small to make a difference in the lives of many,’” Miss Pansy replied, flashing that sweet smile. “The book was Very Popular with Important Book People. We had displays an book signings in NOOM-erous stores. The president of the first one, Berg-Dorf’s, Really Loves Dogs, an really loved our book, so he had a Major Book Launch. Extremely Exciting! We also had a Big To-Do at Nee-man-Marcus; an author’s night in London; an a really fun time in East Hampton, at a party where an actor called Alex something (I buh-levee he is bald), anyway, he was raising money for the East Hampton library.
“AND, a few years ago, right here at the Riverside Theatre, they created an original live musical about ME – ‘Poodleful’ – with ackshull actors an everything. One even played ME! Mommy an me went to every performance an greeted my fans after.”
“Your life is So Exciting!” I exclaimed. “How many books have you written?”
She laughed. “Seven so far. Avery an I have solved mysteries in Paris, Rome, New York, Venice, London an Africa. Our next mystery will be in Alaska.”
“What do you do when not writing?”
“Lounging in the sun is a particular favrite. On occasion, I enjoy chasing anything Mommy or paPAH throw. I eat only chicken an kibble, an I sleep with Mommy an paPAH on my special pillow or my soft chenille blanket. I have the most wonderful life!”
I couldn’t buy-leave an hour had passed!
Heading home, I was thinkin’ about sweet, talented Miss Pansy an all her advenchurs. An how Cool Kibbles it was hangin’ out with a pretty grrrl an fellow writer. An remindin’ myself to Google MOMA.
Till next time,
