I’m pretty sure Miss Fern LaBaff, a very pretty brindle mixture of Catahoula an Black Mouth Cur, is, Paws Down the bouncy-est pupper I’ve EVER innerviewed. She’s only 4-anna-haff months old an full of fun, in-THUZZI-asm an endless puppy kisses.
Fern anna nice lady greeted me an My Assistant in the front yard an, buhfore I could even innerduce us, Fern an my assistant began playin’ an bouncin’ around.
“HELLO. I’M BONZO. YOU MUST BE FERN!” I hollered. “AN YOU’VE MET MY ASSISTANT.”
“Oh, right,” Fern said. My Assistant gave Fern one more liddle ear friffle and tried to look Serious, as the nice lady led the way inside an we got all situated.
“Sorry, Mr. Bonzo. I forgot. Um, I’m s’pose to say, umm, THIS is my Furever Mom, Stephanie, an over there’s my Furever Dad, Tom. They just ’dopted me a liddle while ago from a rescue place called, umm, HAY-lo.”
I was about to ask how Fern an her Furever Famly found each other when, after obtaining permission from Fern’s Mom, my assistant began rootin’ around in The Satchel for a duhlishus Snack. WELL, Fern spent the nex few minutes in My Assistant’s lap with her nose in The Satchel.
Of course, My Assistant was laughin’ an was No Help Whatsoever.
At last, Fern (an my assistant) settled in, an I opened my notebook. “How did you an your Furever Famly get together, Miss Fern?” I finally inquired.
“So, Mom an Dad’s dog buh-fore me, Athena, hadda go to Dog Heaven on 9/11 last year. Mom an Dad didn’t really wanna feel that sad again but, after 6 months, they ree-lized it was time to Fill the Void. (I think that’s like a big wader dish.) Anyway, they decided to find another dog, so they went On The Line an saw a dog on H.A.L.O.’s website that had puh-tent-shul, so Mom called the very nex day. But it was spoken for, so they kept lookin’. The nex week, H.A.L.O. called an said there was another new litter, (probly an Oops Litter, they think) which was the one I was in. An, Mr. Bonzo, did you know H.A.L.O. always names newly arrived litters of puppies an kitties after a THEEM?”
“Ackshully, now that you mention it, I did,” I replied, remembering a mama cat I met from H.A.L.O. whose name was Viniagrette.
“Anyway,” Fern continued, “MY litter’s theme was Colors. Well, instead of innerducin’ us one atta time, they brought us all out ina bunch. I was SO excited cuz I took one look an KNEW they were my Furever Mom an Dad. Mom says it was my Doganality, an my coloring an my EARS that cinched the deal.”
(Miss Fern’s ears ARE pawsome: They’re kinda short an velvety an they both fold over to one side on the top of her head like a fancy burr-RAY. TRAY Cool Kibbles.)
“So, Miss Fern, you haven’t been here very long, right? How’s it going so far?”
“Grrreat! I’m learnin’ So Much Stuff. I’m still a liddle nervous in the car. An doorways. I sorta hesitate in doorways. I don’t know why. An I’m still, what’s it called – TEE-thing, which makes me wanna nibble a lot. I do sorta chew stuff like socks, an sandals, an, well, pretty much all footwear. An, guess what, Mr. Bonzo, I’m gonna get all New Teeth, one for each one that falls out now. Isn’t that So Cool Kibbles?”
“WORD,” I replied solemnly.
“An Mom an Dad say I’m Very Smart. I learned Potty Training fast. Not a single Oops. Also, I’m great on that long thing attached to Mom or Dad, a, umm, leash. An every time they put a leash on me, we get to go for a lovely walk. I still sleep in my cozy crate, an I don’t whine or bark much.
Once I accidently made this funny noise Mom says is a Growl, an I totally scared myself.
“An one time there was this big scarry cat prowlin’ in the neighborhood, Bob I think his name was, an he liked to eat people’s chiggins. So Mom an Dad don’t let me go out by myself, cuz I’m not all the way big yet a I’m sorta chiggen-sized. But guess what, I’ll probly be 99 pounds or maybe more when I get all grown UP.”
“Woof, Miss Fern. That’s Pawsome! Do you have any more speshul humans? Or pooch pals?”
“YES! I have a human neff-you an neece: Jeremy an Bridgett, an Remi, Bridgett’s Golden ReTREEver. An lemme see, well, Johnny Cash Putzke is the first pooch I met in the neighborhood. He’s a black Lab. Over at the dog park I have a whole buncha pooch pals. I pretty much love playin’ with all dogs an peeples. Also bugs. I like bugs.”
“Any fave foodstuffs?”
“Oh, YES! BLOO-berries! I love bloo-berries. An peanut budder. An there’s this Cool Kibbles place where us pooches get to ackshully sit at the table with our humans an get our very own, super duh-lishus PuppaChino. I also get to go to Tractor Supply with Mom an Dad an get toys.
Oh, an, one time I got to go to this Really Big brick rest-runt-sorta building an sit on the PADDY-O, and have a bowl of wadder.”
“Speakin’ of, do you swim?” I wondered.
“Well, a liddle. At the dog park. An in the shower. I don’t know if that counts, tho, cuz I just get washed.”
“Have you been introduced to Fetch/Re-TREEVE yet?” I enquired.
“Yep. I’m still gettin’ the hang of it. Dad works from home, so when he takes a break, we practice Fetch/Re-TREEVE. I do the Fetch part pretty well, mostly. But the re-TREEVE part hasn’t quite clicked. I mean, why does he want it back when he just threw it away? An THEN, when I DO bring it back, Dad turns around and throws it away again.”
Heading home, I was smiling, thinkin’ about charming, uber energetic Miss Fern, a happy puppy with stylish ears, who loves all creatures great an small, an ponders the paradox of Fetch/Re-TREEVE.
Till next time
Don’t Be Shy
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