You’re not a bad person if you have a lot of critical thoughts, but you’ll probably be a happier one if you learn how to let go of the habit of harshly judging others.
“Being judgmental is forming an opinion of a person, their actions, or an event/topic,” says Shawndre M. Leydon, LMHC, LPC, a licensed mental health counselor who previously practiced in Vero Beach and now has offices in Port St. Lucie. “The judgment formed may just be in your mind or you may choose to share it with others.
“When someone is described as judgmental, it usually has the negative overtone that they are overly critical, hurtful and unhelpful.”
Leydon explains that we all judge family, friends, colleagues, people in the news and even strangers we see on the street. While many judgments are negative, focused on appearance, behavior or preconceptions, some judgments are positive.
“Judgmental could mean making judgments which could be helpful, validating, confirming and reassuring to others,” Leydon says. “From a personal viewpoint, if my child is telling me that they are thinking of doing something that is not the best idea, hearing my reasoning as to why or how there could be consequences to their action could be helpful. It’s my judgment, but I’m not being judgmental in the negative sense of the word.”
Steven Stosny, Ph.D., who treats people for anger and relationship problems, told Psychology Today: “Our brains make implicit judgments at lightning speed, guiding our conscious thoughts, feelings and actions. Conscious thinking in effect ‘justifies’ implicit judgments. The justifying process often is inherently biased, supported with invalid, partial or cherry-picked evidence or, more frequently, no evidence at all.”
The urge and habit of classifying, pigeonholing and judging others is due in part to the nature of the human brain, which “has enormous trouble with uncertainty,” according to Stosny. “It makes us uncomfortable, if not anxious.”
It’s very human to pass judgment, says, Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of “Detox Your Thoughts.” She says we’ve all had moments like side-eyeing a friend for a splurgy purchase after they complained about being broke or eye-rolling over a coworker’s sloppiness.
In many ways, Bonior continues, it’s just another form of social comparison, a primal instinct. Programmed by evolution, we want to size people up to see if they’re a threat. Judgments are the conclusions we come to when we ask how another person compares to ourselves.
“Being judgmental is mostly a subconscious behavior,” says Leydon.
Even though we don’t realize it, we are constantly judging and categorizing everything around us, events as well as people. Some of that perception and classification is necessary for physical and social survival.
The problem arises if we fall into the habit of judging too many people and things in negative or hostile ways. This mainly subconscious habit has the power to darken the world around us and make us prisoners in an ugly, frightening world of our own creation.
Spiritual teachers across the board from Jesus to Buddha warn about the psychological and spiritual dangers of habitually classifying others.
“Judge not lest you be judged. For with what judgment that you judge, you will be judged yourself.”
This well-known admonition, which has multiple meanings, points in part to the habitual nature of the mind. A mind attuned to see negativity, flaws, failures and “sins” all around it will inevitably see the same ugliness within.
Verywell Mind, a dedicated mental health and wellness platform, lists six ways to be less judgmental.
- Pay attention to your thoughts – recognize that you’re doing it.
- Question your assumptions – if you have a negative view of someone, ask yourself what it’s based on. Do you know all the facts?
- Recognize your biases and cultural standards – recognize that your own view of life is limited based on your own experiences.
- Be empathetic – practice empathy and compassion for people, even if they look, think, dress, speak, or act differently than you do.
- Expand your horizons – make the effort to expose yourself to new ideas and perspectives. Meet new people and talk to them about their lives.
- Practice positivity – with practice, you can develop a more positive mindset. If you catch yourself thinking something negative about something or someone, challenge yourself to see something positive in the situation instead.
“Judgment is a natural instinct that was part of human survival, defending ourselves in situations that could be harmful,” says Leydon. “Making quick judgments and deciding how to react may have been lifesaving to cave men/women.
“But in today’s world, we want to teach tolerance and open mindfulness to our children so we can help them become less judgmental people. We can most effectively do this by modeling this in our own lives.
“Try using non-judgmental language, exposing your children to diverse cultures and experiences through education and travel. Use facts and not opinions in discussions with them and look for appropriate areas to discuss, such as bullying or hateful messages on social media.”
Unfortunately, we all must deal with judgmental people throughout our lives, but we can try and rise above this worrisome and self-destructive habit as much as possible. While we can’t control what others do or say, we can control how we respond.
Verywell Mind offers some strategies that can help you keep your peace when someone around you is overly judgmental:
- Don’t take it personally – even though it probably feels personal. Putdowns, accusations and rude or unkind comments usually say a lot more about them than they do about you.
- Set clear boundaries – let the person know that their comments are out of bounds. A simple statement like “I’m not asking for feedback” or “That’s not helpful” may help curb incessant negative comments.
- Explain your perspective – if the person is willing to listen. Just try not to get caught up in verbally sparring with them.
- Limit your exposure – distance yourself from them as much as you can if their behavior doesn’t change.
Shawndre M. Leydon, LMHC, LPC, has an MS in clinical psychology from Bridgewater State University and is a board-certified licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) and a licensed professional counselor (LPC). Her practice, A Better Tomorrow Counseling, LLC, has moved from its Vero Beach location to 8505 S. U.S. 1, Port St. Lucie. Call 772-353- 2485 to make an appointment or visit abettertomorrowcounseling.net.
