This week’s innerview was totally huh-LARRY-us, due to all the funny stories told by my innerview-ee, Daisy Lambert. Miss Daisy is a pint-sized ball of adorableness, and the princess of all she surveys, which is a Cool Kibbles place called the Cottages, where humans, an their pooches, come for vacays.
A man greeted me an my assistant an led us to a pretty courtyard an pool. When we got seated, Daisy made her grand entrance. She had curly white hair, fluffy ears with a touch of gold, anna pink collar and leash held by a lady.
“Mr. Bonzo, it’s SUCH a PLEASH-er to make your acquaintance,” she said, approaching daintily for the Wag-an-Sniff. “I’m Daisy Lambert. This is my Dad, Richard, an my Official Pupsitter/Nanny/Walker/Fairygodmother, Michelle.”
“The pleasure is mine,” I replied. “I understand you are well traveled an have an unusual LINNY-udge. I’m eager to hear your story.”
She laughed. “I’ve got a million of ’em. I hope you brought extra pencils. I’ll explain my breed first. I’m a Daisy.”
Since she had just innerduced herself, I said, “Yes, a lovely name.”
“No, I mean, that’s my breed. I’m a Daisy. I’m Daisy the Daisy.”
“I’ve never heard of a Daisy.”
“I get that a lot. We’re a pretty new, very speshull mixture of Poodle, Shih Tzu and Bichon Frise. An we got the Best Parts of all of ’em. We’re Poodle smart, Bichon curious, an Shih Tzu lovable an playful. PLUS, we’re not barky. An obviously we’re Totally Irresistubble to Humans.”
“That’s clear,” I said. “I can’t wait to hear your story.”
“It’s kinda complicated. At first I buh-longed to a lady who was 12 in dog, which is pretty old. She couldn’t take care of me cuz I need LOTS of exercise, so she hadda find another home for me. Dad’s daughter wanted Dad to take me, but Dad said, ‘I haven’t had a dog in 30 years. I don’t WANT a dog. I wanna reTIRE and Travel and I Just Don’t Need a Dog.’ Well, you see how that turned out. Dad’s daughter and grandson said they’d keep me when Dad was travelin’. Right away, I knew Dad was one of those humans who just naturally attracts liddle kids an dogs. I met him, I decided to cut to the chase an crank my iressistable-ness up to the max. Dad was on the phone an I trotted right over an started nibblin’ his ear that wasn’t in the phone. An that was that.
“Before I arrived, Dad fixed up the place with all sorts of Cool Kibbles dog stuff anna nice big crate. The first night I cried non-stop. After that I slept with Dad.”
“Smooth,” I said, admiringly.
“It was, wasn’t it?” she smiled. “I do so enjoy meetin’ new humans. Wherever me an Dad go, they’re always coming up to us and tellin’ dad how cute I am. I enjoy hamming it up wherever humans gather. Like in New York, where Dad goes lot. I can hold court in Times Square for hours. We went into that place with fancy jewel-ree called, lemme think, TIFFunny’s. The nice people in there put some of those sparkly thingys on me, an gave me some nice cool water in a pretty glass TIFFunny box.
“Oooo, an the WALL-dorf! It’s So Fun! You should go sometime. I get a king bed all for me, an I hang out an lounge. I do love the Waldorf Life.
“I get to go on those big kinda bird thingys with Dad a lot, too. I’m very Well Buh-haved and I have my own seat. Sometimes Dad takes me out of my carrier. Then, if there are any liddle kids on board, I go say hello. I get tons of pats an friffles on the plane.”
“Woof, you ARE well-traveled,” I exclaimed. “So, any favrite toys? Pooch pals?”
“Oh, my, yes. My favrite toy is my elephant stuffy. I’ve had it for a long time. It helps me remind Dad when it’s mealtime. I’m not spoiled or anything, it’s just like my roo-TEEN. My breakfist is at 7:30 a.m. an my dinner is 6 p.m. So, if my food isn’t set out by 7:29, for example, I grab my squeaky elephant and shake the Total Woof outta him, right near my food dish. I mean, one’s well-being requires a regular schedule, don’t you agree? That’s not too much to ask, is it?
“Also, I have this Food Rool: If you Leave Food Unattended, It’s Fair Game.”
“That is a great rool!” I exclaimed.
“One time, right at this very table, my Dad’s fren left a lovely piece of cheese unattended while she went over to admire the fountain. Obviously, the Food Rool had kicked in, so I righteously grabbed the entire piece of cheese an scarfed it. She was like, ‘WHAT? HEY!’ Me an dad thought it was huh-LARRY-us, but she, well, not so much.
“You asked about pals. I have a STELLAR posse, mostly Snowbird-dogs. Every year, I can’t wait for Season, when all us old frens get together: Pooka from Indiana; Cooper from Cuh-NEDDIE-cut; Puddle from Maryland; Hunter from North Caro-LINE-uh; Rosie from New York. An then my ackshull SISter, Bella. She an her fren Barney visit from Michigan a lot. Woof, Mr. Bonzo, you should see the parties we throw here in the courtyard, minglin’ with all those humans an pooches: Tray Fun!
“Speakin’ of Bella, don’t tell anyone but, when we were much younger, we spotted three baskets of Easter candy on the table. I knew I wasn’t s’pose to get on the table, but Bella convinced me it was OK. We jumped onto the table an ate the Easter candy. ALL of it! It turned out not to be as great an idea as we imagined.”
I wish I’d had time to hear more of Miss Daisy’s stories.
Heading home I was picksurin’ Daisy an her posse playin’ ex-ZOO-buh-rently. An wondering if I’d have a snowball’s chance in Florida of establishing the Food Rool in my household. It took me a nanosecond to figure out the answer to that one.
