This week I had a Crispy Biscuits innerview with Miss Lucy in Blue Finigan, a still-puppy-ish, pert, full-of-kisses, red, short-haired dachshund.
Lucy an her Mom stood on the sidewalk wavin’ us in cuz they live inna real pretty place with lotsa winding roads, and my driver (assistant) got us a liddle wound up in ’em. Lucy was Totally On Trend inna pink harness an colorful collar, wiggle-bouncin’ at the end of her leash.
After bouncin’ on my assistant by way of frenly greeting, she bounced over for the Wag-an-Sniff. She had in-TREE-ging brown eyes, lined with black, an, on her chest, a dark brown fur heart!
“I’m SO glad you made it, Mr. Bonzo. I’ve got so much to TELL you!”
She had a soft liddle voice, and later explained she rarely barks except to say hello to fellow pooches or remind her Mom an Dad that it’s time to eat or Do Her Duty.
“Oooo, is THAT your NOTEbook?” she continued, excitedly, “where you’re gonna write down everything I say? That is SO excitin’! Do I hafta talk real sloooow? This is my Mom, Randye!
My Dad Jim’s playin’ GOFF! Do you know about goff? A buncha humans walk around a big field boppin’ the stuffins outta teensy liddle balls with big, long sticks. An you’re s’posta be real quiet when they’re boppin’ it. If they don’t bop it just right, they get all grumpy. I think it’s kinda weird. PLUS, us pooches aren’t s’pose to chase the balls, if you can buhleeve it. Anyway, come’on UP!”
Lucy led us inside, to an ELLY-vador. “Don’t be scared,” she said. “It’s a magic box.”
I was familiar with ELLY-vadors, so I wasn’t scared. “Magic?” I said.
“OH, YES. We get in. Mom pushes the magic button. Then, WHOOSH, we’re at our front door, way up high! Isn’t that SO uh-MAY-zing?”
“Totally! Sounds like magic to me.” We got comf-tubble an I opened my notebook. After she gave my assistant lotsa kisses an nosed about in The Satchel, Lucy settled into her Mom’s lap an began her Tail.
“I’m Mom an Dad’s fourth dachshund. Sadie was third. When she was 14 in human, 3 years ago, she hadda go to Dog Heaven. Then, when it was the Right Time, last Jan-you-wary, Mom an Dad started lookin’ for No. 4. They’re Snowbirds an were up in North Caro-LINE-uh. Their son Bill saw a man walkin’ a liddle dachshund an asked about the breeder. Then Mom an Dad went on The Line an looked at all the breeder’s pick-shurs. When my litter arrived (12 of us), they chose the adorable-est pupper, which was, of course, ME! When I was 8 weeks old an didn’t need Mommy Milk anymore, Mom an Dad got to meet me in The Fur, an take me home.
I was a Pocket Pooch, only 3 pounds. I came with Important PAY-purrs an My Own Toy, a big purr-pull bone which, of course, I chewed to smither-REENS right away.
“It was freezin’ cold in North Caro-LINE-uh, so Mom an Dad said, ‘We’re goin’ back to Florida!’ It takes about 10 hours and, right away, I was Cool Kibbles ridin’ in the car. We go back an forth in Spring an Fall. So I’m a Snowbirddog!”
“Crispy Biscuits” I exclaimed. “So, how do you like it down here?”
“I totally love it, Mr. Bonzo. I have tons of pooch frens. We play all the time an leash walk together. Lemme see, there’s Cosmo an Phoebe an Buddy, they’re Cockapoos; an Scout, she’s an Irish Jack Russell, who lives with my human brother in ROW-an-Oak, where it’s Real Cold, too. I stayed with them when I was an uber-bouncy pupper. Scout was older an I kinda drove her Nuts!
“I like observin’ squirrels, lizards an bunnies. We’ve got tons of ’em. An I’m sorta pals with a couple laid-back ducks at the pond. I walk up to ’em an say hello an they say something in Duck which I think is ‘Hello.’ But we also have big, scary cats that are all called Bob. They could eat us for LUNCH, so we hafta be Watch-full.
“I really enjoy watchin’ Mom play Tennis. She bops balls around like Dad does, but they’re bigger, an she an her frens use big round thingys called RAAH-cutts to bop the ball back an forth across a net. Us pooches don’t get to chase those either, but it’s still fun to watch.
“I also like liddle human kids. When Mom an Dad’s gran-daughter was real liddle, she’d scoot around after me. We were both silly puppers. Our family always says, ‘I Love Lucy,’ an then they’d laff an hug us.
“Ackshully, I’m pretty well buh-haved, ’cept for this one teeny thing: I have this Chewin’ Issue.
’Specially socks! They’re just so, you know, CHEW-ubble. An, full disclosure, I did one time, ackshully, it was yesterday, I sorta totally destroyed Mom’s favrite sandals. I couldn’t help myself. They were CALLIN’ to me. So I removed the bows an chewed ’em up. I also chew the stuffins’ outta my Stuffies, like it’s my Job! Now all my Stuffies are flat as pancakes.
“I’m good at not chewin’ the furni-chur, however. Mostly. I have nibbled Mom’s bolster. Oh, an I chewed all the wires out from under Mom an Dad’s big, comfy adjustable bed. Both sides move SEP-rut-lee up an back. An it could do Muh-SAH-juzz, too. But not anymore. Now it’s a big, not-adjustable bed. Mom an Dad said ‘BAD DOG!’ in a way that made me pretty sure it was a Serious in-FRACK-shun. It’s still comfy, tho. I know cuz I always sleep with Mom an Dad.”
I stifled a smile behind my paw, an ree-lized it was time to go.
Headin’ home, I was still smilin’, thinkin’ about pretty Miss Lucy, a charmin’ warm-hearted pup who never met a human, fellow pooch, bunny, squirrel, lizard, duck or pair of socks she didn’t like.
Till next time,
