This week’s innerview-ee, Max Hoffman, has got it Goin’ ON: VERY frenly an Super SO-shuh-bul an DAPP-er. Max is a one-anna-haff-year-old black-n-silver Schnauzer with an EXTRA extrovert doganality so, needless to say, he was right there at the door to greet me an my assistant, an bustled up for the Wag-an-Sniff.
“Good MORN-ing, good morn-ing! Come IN! I feel as if I already know you, cuzza your COLL-ums. May I call you Bonz? An you can call me Max. This is my Mom, Amy, an my Dad, Dave. (I call him Dave.) An this must be your assistant! WELL-come! Come along, then!”
“A great pleasure!” I replied as we followed Max into his sunny living room. Gettin’ the go-ahead, my assistant rooted around in The Satchel, an produced a couple of duh-lishus bacon snacks for Max, who accepted them politely.
I opened my notebook an Max settled in on the floor. “I’m eager to hear your tail,” I told him.
“Well,” he began, “Mom an Dave are Snowbirds, livin’ in Finger Lakes, New York, which is WAY north (he pointed) an WAY cold. They hadda pree-vee-us Schnauzer who had gone to Dog Heaven an they were, like, ‘NO MORE dogs!’ But after about 6 months, they ree-lized they missed havin’ a pooch companion (spuh-SIFF-ick-ly a Schnauzer). So they found a breeder online, in Amhurst, Mass-uh-CHEW-sits, who had a bran new litter (mine). There were phodos of us, each with a number. I was 16673902. Anyway, soon as Mom an Dave saw my pickshur they instantly were like, YES! Mom says I looked like a liddle softball – only 3-anna-haff pouns. (Now I’m 16 pouns!) Mom called me Liddle Doodle.
“Soon as I was old enuff, Mom an Dave drove five hours up to Amhurst to meet me. The breeder brought me to the kitchen for the Meet-n-Greet an that was that! I mostly snoozed on the car ride to my Furever Home.”
“WAY Cool Kibbles,” I commented. “So, what was it like at first?”
“Well, for one thing, I was pretty happy that they changed my name. I like ‘Max’, an 16673902’d be a liddle cumber-some, ya’ know.”
“I can see where it would be,” I replied.
“All in all, I think I was a pretty good pupper. I did enjoy untying Dave’s shoestrings an chewin’ on ’em, or playin’ Pull-an-Tug. Also, the first night in my new home I was Totally POOPED an I slept in that liddle por-tubble kennel thingy I’d been travelin’ in. Mom an Dave thought, ‘Yay, he’ll sleep in his kennel every night.’
“WELL, THAT wasn’t gonna happen. I whined all thru the second night. That was the last time I was in my kennel. Now I sleep with Mom an Dad. They put pillows all around the edge so I won’t tumble out. I mean, I’m FAM-ly, right? An Mom an Dave love it, too, I’m preddy sure. They’re totally part of the pack, in my view. (It also helps that I don’t shed.) Plus, every morning I helpfully wake Mom an Dave up by standin’ on ’em.”
“What is it like down here where it’s the opposite of cold?” I wondered.
“Ackshully, Bonz, I like BOTH. I LOVE Snow, for sure! An I don’t even need a sweater or anything cuz us Schnauzers have a double coat, ruff on top, soft underneath. An in summer, I don’t ackshully SWIM, but I love splashin’ around in Lake Kauka. It’s one of the Finger Lakes. I also get to run in the countryside an chase deer an shoo the cows outta the yard.
“An we also have famly Christmas up there, with Aunt Jenny an Aunt Kathy an another pooch pal, cousin Kenny. He’s a mixture.
“But I also love it down here. As long as I can run around an play with my pooch pals, I’m good. I’m just not great at sittin’ still. I’ve always gotta be doin’ SOME-thing.
“A few times a month I go to Paw Prints day care. I’ve got lotsa pooch pals there, an woof! do I love runnin’ all over the place with them. That huge dog park by the river is Totally Pawsome also: I hafta be on the Liddle Dog Side, but I run along the fence nex to the Big Dogs. I do loops back an forth an I can preddy much keep up. I NEVER get tired. I also really, really like The Greenway by the Lagoon, an also Riverside Park. Peeple are always stoppin’ to say, ‘HI, Max!’”
“Same in my NAY-ber-hood: I patrol to make sure everything’s OK. I hang out with my across-the-street neighbors Toby an Tilly, an, at the park, Nila’s my morning runnin’ buddy. My nex-door neighbor Miss Anne (she’s a human) calls me her Good Dog an gives me treats. Up in New York, I hang out with John (a human).
“I also have frens in businesses that allow pets. Tractor Supply’s so-o pet frenly. An so is American Icon an Spiros: I just sit quietly under the table. Humans come up an say ‘Hi! Max!’”
“Max, you’re a Truly Popular Poocheroo! A definite Dog-About-Town! Any fave toys? Speshul foodstuffs?”
“I’d hafta say my bear an cow stuffies. I’m not really into squeakers, so I SPESHULLY love my stuffy cow cuz it’s stuffed with some sorta crinkly something-or-other.
“I mostly eat plain ol’ kibbles. A first, I was ree-LUCK-tent to eat at all, till Mom and Dave figured out it was cuz my collar tags kept hittin’ the side of the bowl. So NOW, I have my very own Pasta Bowl! Crispy Biscuits, right?”
“Abso-woofin’-lutely! Do you fly?” I segued.
“Oh, yes! Back an forth. We get three seats an I get the middle one. I always wear a bow tie to fly.
When we go through that X-ray thingy, the airport people always pat me. I’m just a frenly, outgoin’ kinda pooch. It jus comes natch-rull.”
He sure is!! Headin’ home, I was thinkin’ about charmin,’ upbeat Max, runnin’ with his pals an spreadin’ Good Will far an wide. Wouldn’t it be Cool Kibbles if we could put it inna spray can an spray it on Grouches.
