Muffin Schulman is a liddle poocheroo with a big Doganality – an LOTSA ZWAH-duh-VEEV-ruh. She sent me a puh-lite Woofmail askin’ whether I’d be interested in innerviewin’ her, which I Totally WAS.
She was bouncin’ all around the floor like a fluffy volleyball when her Mom opened the door.
“Good morning,” I began, “I’m Bon…”
“I KNOW! You’re Mr. BON-zo,” she exclaimed. “I’m MUFF-in SHOO-ul an THIS is my Mommy, arr-LEEN, an my Daddy, Jerry. Come’on! Follow ME!”
An off she bounced, leading us to a luh-NI. “Mommy an Daddy screened the luh-NI an built a fence just for me, so I’ll be SAFE.” She pointed to a grassy area an said with pride, “See, out THERE! That’s where I Go Potty! You can Potty there, too, if you want to!”
Seeing how enthusiastic she was, I replied, “That IS a TERRIFIC spot, Miss Muffin. Thanks for sharing!”
I got my notebook out, as my Assistant rooted around in The Satchel for a size-appropriate snack for Muffin, whose head was already, helpfully, IN The Satchel.
“I’m excited to hear your tail,” I said, as Muffin polished off the last crumb, an settled in on the couch.
“Should I start NOW, Mr. Bonzo?”
“Absolutely, Miss Muffin.”
“OK, so, I’m a mixture of Havanese an Poodle (it’s called HAVA-poo, which I think sounds sorta silly). Anyway, I think I look more poodle-y, don’t you?”
“Yes. Yes, I do,” I replied. Muffin had exceedingly curly, gold-brown hair, big brown eyes, black button nose, an triangle ears styled inna poodle-y bob. She wore a trendy pink-an-white harness with attached pink skirt, anna pearl necklace.
She delicately crossed her paws an began. “I was born onna AH-mish farm in Pencil-VANE-yuh.”
“What kinda farm?”
“The AH-mish are nice humans who grow veg-TUBBLES an stuff an ride around in BUG-ees pulled by HORSES. Anyway, I was the runt of the lidder.
“Meanwhile, Mommy an Daddy were livin’ inna state called New JER-zee, an Mommy was visitin’ a fren inna nearby state called MARY-land, who took Mommy onna TOOR of the farm, which was very beaudy-full. They went inside the barn where us PUPPIES were. Of course, we were cuddly an adorable, plus, there’s that New Puppy Smell: basically eerie-ZISS-tubble to humans, including Mommy, but she wanted a BOY.
“Since I was the runt, an NOT a boy, I figured I didn’t havva chance. Plus Daddy had already established the positively unbreakable No Dogs Rool. But then Mommy sent him MY pickshur an, in about a NANO-second, Daddy sent back ‘YES!’
“When I was big enuf, Mommy AN Daddy came to get me. I gave ’em, like, a million Puppy Kisses. (Still do!) We drove to my Furever Home in New JER-zee inna big, loud thing called a CAR. I was unsure at first but now I love it. I have my own speshull seat with a STRAP so I’m all safe.”
“What was it like in your new home, Miss Muffin?”
“I was a liddle quiet till I got use to stuff. Mommy an Daddy screened the lanai and fenced the yard just for me, so I can sunbathe on my chaise. Then I learned they hadda pet already: Coco. That’s when I found out dogs aren’t the only animals.”
“What WAS it. A cat?”
“No, a BIRD, a Goffin Cockatoo, Mommy explained. I thought she was kinda funny, cuzza havin’ no fur, just long, pretty colored things called feathers. She yelled Really Loud at me at first but now she only yells at me a liddle bit. She told me she’d RATHER be an ONLY pet. I talk to her sometimes. One time when she was sittin’ on Dad’s shoulder, I kissed her on the beek. That’s her over there.”
Muffin pointed to a big cage in the corner where a pretty pinkish white not-very-big bird sat onna perch lookin’ a liddle GLUM.
“Good morning, Miss Coco. Your feathers are lovely,” I told her.
“BWWAAAAKK!”
“I have a parakeet fren named Pickelene,” I told her.
“BWWWAAAAAKKKKK!!!!!” she retorted, turned her tailfeathers, an hopped to the other side of the cage.
“Oh, well,” I said, turnin’ back to Muffin. “So, how’d you get down here?”
“Well, finally, we all decided it was TOO COLD, so we moved here.”
“Do you have any speshul pals? Fave games? Foodstuffs?”
“There’s my BFF cousin Baxter, an Don Diego. Ackshully I’m more of a peeple pooch. When I go to the small dog park, I mostly hang with the peeple. An I LOVE my human sister Gayle an brother Adam.
“Oh, an, Mommy’s teachin’ me to DANCE … WATCH!”
Muffin stood confidently on the couch on her back paws, an her Mommy held her front paws, an then she smoothly did two steps forward, two steps back several times, in rhythm! I was impressed.
“An, even tho I’m liddle, anna grrrl,” she solemnly announced, “I consider it My Duty to protect My Street. When I’m leash-walkin’ an we meet our Belgian Malinois neighbor, I stand right there an growl an bark, just to remind him it’s My Street. He jus keeps walkin’. I’m sure I sound Very Fuh-ROW-shus.
“I’m a Picky Eater, Mommy says. I get 100 percent human grade foodstuffs. Fresh P’s are my favrite. My favrite toy is my stuffy cow. I saw it the store, pulled it right off the rack, an started chewin it. So Mommy got it for me. An, guess what? I can play ball All By Myself: I fling it up in the air and zoom out an GRAB it!”
“That’s Way Cool Kibbles, Miss Muffin!” I exclaimed.
“I KNOW! Right?” she smiled.
“I also adore SHOPPING! When me an Mommy are in T.J. Maxx, everybody says ‘Hi, Muffin!’ I have a wardrobe fulla dresses, weaters, raincoats an harnesses for every occasion.
“Of course, I always sleep with Mommy an Daddy. I guess cuz I’m a Daddy’s Grrrl, I always stay up till Daddy comes in.”
Headin’ home, I was picturing charming Miss Muffin, dancin’ gracefully with her Mom, or standin’ tall (all 10 pounds of her), barkin’ an growlin’ an makin’ sure Her Street is well protected.
