Schnitzel Woods was ready, ready, ready for the holidays when me an my assistant met him at his place of bizness, the Vero Beach Humane Society, where he helps his Mom, Tina, take care of The Books. We were escorted to his office and had just settled in at a nice big table, when Schnitzel made his entrance, filled with holiday cheer, wigglin’ an waggin’ happily, accomp-need by his Mom.
Schnitzel, still a pupper, not quite 1, is a rescue dachshund with a shiny red/cream/white coat, and lookin’ Seriously Dapper, all decked out in a Spiffy Red-an-Green Christmuss sweater an pawsome green-an-white checked bow tie. TRAY Cool Kibbles. After a few In-thoosy-astic an Robust Welcome Barks by Schnitzel; intros; an the Wag-an-Sniff, I opened my notebook.
My assistant produced a coupla duhlishus bacon treats from The Satchel, said “SIT,’” as directed by Schnitzel’s Mom, an, even tho he’s still a pupper, Schnitzel did two tidy SITS, munched happily, then settled onto his Mom’s lap.
“Mom says I’m Food Mo-duh-vaded,” he remarked.
“I can see that!” I told him. “By the way, great holiday on-SOM-bull! Can’t wait to hear your tail.”
“Thanks, Mr. Bonzo! I’m SO excited. Mom says I’m gonna get my PICK-shur in the PAYper, an also lotsa words about ME.”
“That’s right, Schnitzel: like how your Mom found you; what your life’s like, your favrite foodstuffs, toys, pooch pals. That sorta thing.”
“OK, I can do that, Mr. Bonzo. Umm, lemme see, so, first, I was inna place called Fur Kids Rescue, inna a town called O-calluh, an Mom found me On The Line. Mom’d had two other dachshunds, an, when they were Really Old an hadda go to Dog Heaven, she was SO Sad. It took 5 years buh-for she was ready to have another dog.
“Anyway, when I was 12 weeks old, Mom drove to O-calluh to pick me up an take me to my Furever Home. I was SO excited. The minute we saw each other it was Love At First Sight. I was like Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!! It’s ME! We still snuggle All the Time!
“Mom thought about namin’ me Tigger cuz I’m so bouncy. Or Fabio cuzza my gorgeous hair. Or Canole. But I’m ackshully glad she chose Schnitzel.”
“It totally suits you!” I agreed.
“Here in the office, my Favrite-Human-’Cept-For-Mom is Miss Cindy, she’s the um, I keep forgettin’, um, Ud-minnie-straightly Uh-sis-dent, or something like that. Anyway, she always has snacks, cuddles anna comfy lap. I’m very well-buh-haved, speshully at work. I have a potty pad an everything.”
“Whaddya do when you’re not here at work?” I inquired.
“At home, I sometimes get the Zoomies. Also, Mom hasta carry me up-am-down the stairs cuzza my Very Short Legs. I like watchin’ TV if there’s animals on it. Oh, an, guess what? I met an ackshull CAT. This one time, we were at the pet store and it an me were Nose-to-Nose. I thought it was a funny lookin’ dog at first. When I found out later it was a CAT, I was like, ‘Cool Kibbles!’”
“Do you swim?”
“Well, yeah, I guess you could say that. I know HOW, anyway. I don’t do it on purpose. See, just a little while back, me an Mom were havin’ what’s called Thanksgiving at a fren’s house, an there was LOTSA food an a big flat thing which they called a POOL. I’d never seen one buh-fore an I was just gonna walk over it to get to the grass. So I took a step an suddenly I was, like, inna big wader dish. Mom kinda freeked out an ran to get a net to fish me out, but my legs just started paddlin’ an I got to the side. No biggie. I guess it was one of those IN-stinks. Mom pulled me out an that was that. No more pools. But I do like gettin’ my bath in the kitchen sink, speshully the spray thing-y. Then Mom towel-dries me an plops me in front of the space heater.”
“Woof, Schnitzel, you’re one Cool Pooch!” I exclaimed.
“I have lotsa toys, too. Like, there’s a red stuffy pick-up truck under the Christmuss tree. See? I mostly only chew up stuff I should. Like, NOT fur-nuh-chur. Pretty much anything that squeaks is OK.
“Plus, I gotta TON of pooch pals. I LOVE fellow dogs! Me an Mom go to that Crispy Biscuits Dog Park by the river almost every day. I LOVE goin’ to the Dog Park. Soon as Mom turns onto the bridge, I get VERY VERY EXCITED!
“EVERYBUDDY there knows my name! The pooches AN the humans. I’m preddy sure I’m King of the Dog Park! Well, the Small Dog Side anyway. An I havva T-shirt that says: ‘What Happens At The Dog Park STAYS At The Dog Park.’ Doncha love it?”
“Totally!” I agreed.
“Jus to be ABSOLUTELY SURE I get enuff exersize, I have an Offishull Dog Walker, Miss Blayne, 2 days a week.
“Some of my other pals are Stella, she’s a dachshund like me. An my two neff-yous, Tater Tot an Graham, they’re Irish Setter/Lab mixtures. They both weigh 65 pounds and I’m just 12, but I’m The Boss. Their Moms are my twin aunts, Cassie an Carli.”
“Your Christmuss sweater an your Dog Park T-shirt are SO On Trend! Do you have other clothes?”
“Oh, yes. Lemme see, I havva tux, anna buncha ties, anna life jacket just-in-case. Also Footies if the sand’s too hot for my delicutt pads. I don’t love ’um, but I still gotta wear ’um.
“Same as when I’m havin’ a Car Ride, I hafta sit in my speshull car seat with my harness on, cuz it’s For My Own Good. Mom hadda Very Scary Incident where she an her pooches were tumbling around when their car was rollin over. So that’s NOT nuh-GO-shubble.”
Headin’ home, I was thinkin’ about how much joy Schnitzel brings to everyone around him: pooches an humans. A small poocheroo with a Very Big Heart, an an important Safety Tip: Always wear your seat harness.
