Parents typically want to lavish affection and attention on their children and manage their lives to protect them and help them succeed, but experts say parenting that focuses on creating a healthy balance between structure and flexibility, love and discipline, and work and play is best for all concerned.
Sharon Paxton, a licensed clinical social worker who sees adults, children, adolescents, couples and families in her practice in Vero Beach, says that even though it’s done with the best of intentions, many of today’s parents aren’t doing their children any favors by constantly overseeing and orchestrating their lives.
“Many working parents, particularly moms, feel guilty about the time they spend away from their children and compensate by doing everything for them when they are together.”
Dayton Children’s Hospital says the goal of most parents is to raise confident, independent children who can eventually take care of themselves and thrive in the world. Tips to do that include:
- Let children do things for themselves.
- Give children responsibilities.
- Teach children life skills.
- Teach children how to care for others.
- Allow children to work out conflicts themselves.
- Create an independent environment.
- Show confidence in your children.
- Teach children to advocate for themselves.
- Encourage children to get outside their comfort zone.
- Let your children make mistakes and fail.
Paxton says there are ways to face the reality of today’s world and still raise an independent child.
“A woman whom I know who works from home has her living room set up as a playroom with practically no typical furniture.
“While she is working, her 3-year-old entertains herself in the playroom with frequent prompts from mom. The child is learning to play alone while still getting positive encouragement and support from a working parent, using the world of her own imagination for entertainment,” instead of being placed in a more ridged daycare environment.
In her book “Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans,” NPR journalist Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff states that on average, a Tanzanian parent might give three verbal comments an hour to their child, compared to the 100 Doucleff, herself, gave her own daughter. Words are stimulating and often they just stir up conflict with kids.
Paxton agrees with this and says there are ways to diffuse potentially intense situations. For instance, she says, when dealing with childhood temper tantrums, parents need to take power and just walk away. “Frequently, parents don’t set boundaries and children wind up thinking they run the show all the time,” Paxton says.
“Boundaries make children feel safe. Parents need to get comfortable saying things like, ‘This is what we agreed to do tonight, and this is what we’re going to do.’”
An article in the Wall Street Journal cited a study by Braun Research that stated 82 percent of respondents reported having regular chores growing up, but only 28 percent said that they require their own children to do chores.
“Chores foster self-esteem and make children feel independent. They must be age-appropriate, but they are very important in raising children who are independent. It’s one of the rites of passage to help children transition that we’ve lost”, says Paxton.
HealthyChildren.org cites reasons why it’s important to carve out time for family meals, including giving kids the chance to mirror healthy habits.
“Children are great at mirroring what their parents do,” Paxton says. “And the family dinner table was an ideal place to learn that. All generations ate together, Children were included but not the center of attention.
“There were no distractions like tablets or phones. You learned how to make conversation and practice patience from an early age. Unfortunately, family dinners are different now and a lot of the benefits they provided are gone.”
Kids need to learn how to differentiate severity of situations. “I like it when parents don’t overindulge their children’s minor accidents,” says Paxton. “I was visiting with someone and her 4-year-old fell and skinned her knee. The child was screaming.
“After mom determined there was nothing other than the minor scrape, she said, ‘I’m sorry you fell down but it’s going to be OK. Let’s go get your doll.’ The child calmed down immediately and went on with playing.”
RaisingChildren.net.au explains why self-advocacy is important for children. Self-advocacy is speaking up for yourself and your rights by communicating your thoughts, needs and preferences. Children can self-advocate by saying no to things they don’t want, making decisions about what they do want, standing up for themselves in disputes, and asking for help when they need it.
“By middle school age, children should have started to learn self-advocacy and accepting responsibility,” according to Paxton. “They need to learn to speak up for themselves but not blame other people – like teachers – every time something goes wrong.
“There’s a lot of stress on kids to get good grades and succeed. Helping them to build a good foundation and to realize that trust starts within themselves will help to smooth that journey,” Paxton concludes.
Sharon Paxton, LCSW, has a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree in social work from Florida Atlantic University. Her office is located at 2770 Indian River Blvd., Vero Beach. Call 772-321-4575 for an appointment.