Bar Zehr is a Giant Schnauzer, so I knew he’d be pretty large. But I hadn’t achshully met one in the fur, so, when I first saw him, I was, like, “WHOA!!”
In the front yard, a nice lady an three frenly liddle humans welcomed us. We followed ’em in to the dining room table, an right away a man came in with Bar onna leash. I felt like saluting. Bar was totally ready for his close-up: long legs, great poss-chur, shiny, wavy black hair, Super Cool Kibbles beard, long sorta-bangs an (shining through the bangs) dark brown eyes that were in-TENTS, but not grumpy.
I looked (way) up into his face an said, “Good afternoon! I’m Bonzo and this is my assistant.
You’re Bar Zehr, I pruh-zoom. It’s a pleasure to meet you!”
“Me too! Hi, Mr. Bonzo, sir! Yep, it’s ME, Bear!”
Buh-fore I could say, “Oh, I thought it was Bar, cuzza the spelling,” he explained: “It’s ack-shully pruh-nounced Bear: See, the ‘a’ has two weird liddle dots on top so that makes it Bear.
It’s kinda confusing. Anyway, I’m so excited you’re gonna INNERview me for the PAYper.
This is my Mom Lindsay an my Dad Caleb, an my big brother and sisters: Cabe, he’s 8; Harper, she’s 6, an Finley, she’s 4. They’re Way Fun. Please make yourselves comf-tubble.”
Cuzza his large, impressive appearance, I mo-mun-tarily forgot I’d already heard that Bar’s only 9 months old, still preddy much a pupper. A 70-pound pupper.
My assistant poked about in The Satchel for a coupla snacks, which Bar accepted very gently an puh-lightly. They vanished in 2 seconds.
“Duh-lish! Thank you!” Bar said. “So should I tell you my tail now?”
I opened my notebook. “I’m ready when you are, Bar.” (I pruh-nouced it right this time.)
Bar sat next to his Dad, an Finley put her arm around him. (Even sittin,’ he was taller than me.)
“So,” he began, “my Future Famly hadda Golden Doodle, Rufus. Then, when he was 12, he hadda go to Dog Heaven. Everybody missed Rufus a LOT. After a preddy long time, they decided they were ready to get another dog. An (lucky for me) they wanted a BIG dog. Since it was close to Chrissmuss, Mom an Dad decided to get the Big New Dog as a suh-prise for Cabe, Harper an Finley.
“They finally found Me in R-can-saw. I was only 9 weeks old: a totally adorable 15-pound fluffball.
“Dad came all the way to R-can-saw to get me an THEN, guess what? I FLEW inna PLANE!
It’s like a sorta-bird, but no feathers. An it’s got SEETS, an I stayed under Dad’s SEET inna liddle cage an I wasn’t scared at all. PLUS, It was 1 year to the day, Mom says, since Rufus went to Dog Heaven.”
“It was Totally Meant to Be!” I said. Bar nodded in agreement.
“I bet you were the Best present EVER! How’d that go?”
“It was PER-fick. On Chrissmuss Moming, Mom an Dad hid Cabe, Harper an Finley’s presunts all over the house for them to find. An they hid the Very Best One – ME! – in their room, saved for last. Then they told Cabe, Harper an Finley to look in there an they DID an – waaa-LA! There I was in all my adorable-ness. They were SO excited. An so was I! They ran outside an told their FRENS an suddenly there were all these liddle kids all around me. It was SO FUN!! Anna liddle over-WELL-ming.”
“Woof, Bar, whadda PAWSOME intro to your new famly!”
“Totally! I started o-FISH-ull Training when I was 5 months. I did great cuz – not to brag – I’m Very Smart. Well, full dis-closure, I was a liddle slow on the PottyTraining. I getta long with most all humans an pooches. That’s what’s called a, umm, Good diss-puh-ZISH-un.
Back then, the stairs looked like a big, scary mountain. I could make it Up ’em, but I hadda be carried down.
“I go for a morning walk with Dad at FIVE AM, an I work out with Mom an Dad cuz we like to keep FIT! An, even tho I’m kinda meh about ridin’ in the car, I LOVE goin’ to interesting places: Like, we went to this Totally Cool Kibbles thing called The Frogleg Fess-tuh-vull, There was a huge bunch of big an liddle humans, havin’ fun, an lotsa foodstuffs an music! It was kinda loud but not scary or anything: Everybuddy was happy. I met lots of humans an fellow pooches (but I never saw any ackshull FROGS).
“I also love goin’ to Home DEE-po. Everybuddy says hello!”
“Do you like toys?” I inquired.
“Totally! Squeaky, fluffy ones. My Ding Dong Cow’s the BEST!” He pointed to a black-an-white stuffy cow, with long, dangly legs, laying inna heap (probly restin’ up for the next playtime, I figured).
“I also love chewin’ paper, which I’m trying to quit. Oooo, an I love ICE cubes. Mom says I have Ice Cube Radar cuz I can hear the freezer door opening from anywhere in the house.
“AN,” he continued, “I’m an AKC registered purebred, with ackshull PAYpers, which is kinda a big deal. But,” he quickly added, “Don’t worry, I’m totally NOT a Snobnose.”
“I never for a minute thought you were,” I assured him. “But I bet you have one of those really looong, fancy kennel names that you never ackshully use, right?”
“I sure do, Mr. Bonzo. My pooch Dad’s was Mazinger Z, an my Mom’s was Priscilla Presley.
Weird, right?”
“Totally!” I agreed. “Where do humans come up with that stuff?”
“Wait’ll you hear MINE!” Bar paws-ed for dramatic effect. “It’s Bar Die Paz-ra-ke-te.”
“Woof!” was all I could manage. We both laughed. “What does that ackshully MEAN?”
“Bar the Space Rocket,” he said. “Probly cuz I’m so fast doin’ LAPS around the yard!”
Headin’ home, I was picturin’ big, hansome Bar as a fluffy pupper, meetin’ his brother an sisters for the first time: Best Christmas present EVER! An then havin’ the fun of growin’ up with them.
Till next time,
