When I learned I was gonna meet a pooch descended from the Royal Dog of Scotland (Scottish Deerhound, Derby Dolphin), I was ner-vuss. Would he be a Snobnose? Was there speshull eddy-cut? I already knew his oh-FISH-ull PAY-pers name was Chase Farm Foxcliffe Highflier Derby for Lassie’s Sake, so I fluffed my ruff an pru-pared for a Very Formal Innerview.
Woof, was I wrong!
A frenly lady an man welcomed me an my assistant.
THEN I stopped in my tracks an STARED as this HUGE, LOOONG, TALL dog approached an began buh-stowing nose bumps, slurpy kisses and other frenly greetings on my totally duh-lighted assistant.
“Hellooo! Good morning!! WYL-come IN!” the huge doggo exclaimed with great enthusiasm, his warm, happy eyes sparkling.
It was Derby, in the Fur (which was crisp and sticky-uppy, dark gray with some white sprouts). Every hair, speshully on his uh-riss-toe-CRAA-tick looong-nosed face, was going inna different direction. All-in-all, one of the most impressive poocheroos I’ve EVER seen.
The opposite of a Snobnose, I was ree-leeved to observe.
Not even counting his tail, he was longer than two of me, end-to-end (I think his TAIL was longer than me). His legs ALONE were taller than me. I cudda totally walked under him!
As he approached, I braced myself, anticipating a Wag-and-Topple Over, but Derby just laughed an offered a liddle side nudge. “Come along, Mr. Bonzo, we’ll sit. Here’s my Mom an Dad, Gail an Dean.”
“We got sit-chew-ated in a sunny room. Derby nestled next to my Assistant, who happily began frifflin’ his loong ears.
“Sometimes I forget I’m very large, Mr. Bonzo (115 pounds). I don’t FEEL large.
Occasionally, onna leash walk, I drag Mom or Dad around, when something excitin’ or interestin’ happens and I Totally Forget they’re attached, but I’m workin’ on that. I’m usually very cahm an gentle and I LOVE basically everybuddy, people an fellow animulls.
I’m not what you’d call watchdog material. (But Bad Guys don’t know that.) Anyway, what do you wanna know? This is my first innerview.”
“It’s PAWsome meeting you, Derby!” I exclaimed. “I didn’t mean to stare. You’re just such an impressive poocheroo. Tell me about your background, your Furever Famly, what life’s like.”
“I can DO that! I was born 5 years ago in Pencil-VANE-yuh. My litter was named after famous racehorses, and Mom got to pick the last part, Derby. A buncha my relatives were champion show dogs and I coulda been, too. Ackshully, Mom was thinkin’ of showin’ me but we were both too nervous, so I’m a com-PAN-yun. My breeder calls me a Velcro Dog, which is Totally Fine with me an Mom. Mom an Dad drove to Pencil-VANE-yuh to get me when I was 12 weeks old, only 35 pounds.”
Derby noticed my reaction to the ‘ONLY’ and said, “I guess that’s big for most puppers.
Anyway, I tossed my kibbles an stuff cuzza bein’ nervous, an I was scared of goin’ in the motel cuz the floor was slippy. No grass. I’d been livin’ onna farm. But I got use to my new home pretty fast.
“The breeder hadda be sure me an Mom were a good match. Lotsa Rools. Like, I need LOTS of exercise. I get 4 walks everyday, an I have tons of neighborhood pooch pals. I usta go to Doggie Day Care where I learned to Play Well With Others, but I sorta outgrew it.
Literally. I love car rides. We go to the, lemme think, um, the luh-GOON GREEN-way, an the suh-VANNUH pruh-ZERVE where I RUN: There’s birds, wild pigs, TOR-dusses an snakes! We stay away from the water cuzza GAY-ters.
“I ackshully do what’s called Lure Course Events with a pooch group in Palm Bay. A Fast CAT is 100 yards timed ziggin’ an zaggin’, or you chase a lure around a big field. I’m very fast. It’s in my blood.”
I nodded solumnly.
“In my yard, I run inna big circle chasin’ my speshull rag onna long horse lunge whip Mom or Dad twirls.”
Derby an his Dad demonstrated, and he got up some SPEED! Reminded me of a racehorse.
Back inside, he continued his tail. “I sometimes dream about my Scottish ancesters huntin’ wild red deer in the Highlands. See, we deerhounds hunt with our eyes not our noses, so we haffta be super long leggedy and have short wiry hair, to see over the bushes an stuff and run through brambulls an thick grass.”
“Woof! That is SO Cool Kibbles!”
“I don’t bark ’cept when I hafta do-my-duty or play. Oooo, an I love when the UPS man comes in his truck cuz he has TREATS! Ackshully, anyone who comes inna truck. I drag Mom or Dad to the truck hopin’ they have a treat. Which they mostly do.”
“Any favrite foodstuffs?”
“I get 2-anna-haff pounds of Special Raw Meat every day. It’s frozen inna long roll: pork, chiggen, beef or turkey, plus blueberries, kale, kelp an NEW-tree-unts. I also love cheese!
Whenever Mom wants me to come, she just screams, ‘CHEESE!’ Works every time.
“One time Mom set some hamburger out on the counter to thaw for her an Dad’s dinner.
He came in an said, ‘Where’s the hamburger?’ She said ‘Whadyya mean? It’s on the counter.’ He said, ‘No it isn’t.’ Then they looked at me. I was sittin’ like a statue, trying to look small, an hopin’ they didn’t see the hamburger resi-doo on my face. It was only that one time.”
“Your coat is so intresting,” I commented. “I bet you love bein’ groomed.”
“Ackshully, Mr. Bonzo, There is nothing I dislike MORE. With the possible exception of gettin’ BATHED. The neighbors get a kick outta watchin’. Mom an Dad try to give me a bath in the driveway. Dad (tries to) hold me an Mom sprays me with a hose-an-soap thingy. I do not remain stationary. I drag Dad all over the place.”
Heading home, I was picturing Derby’s loooong legs, and frenly, bark-free voice an not-snobnose doganality. An laughin’ at the mem-ry of his bath-time tail. Yep, I love my job.