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How to size up Biggie Smalls? He’s a fab Frenchie!

This week I got to go to a gym cuz my innerview-ee’s Mom an Dad are TRAY-ners who help humans do Fitness an Boxing, an he – Biggie Smalls Bass – is the Official Gym Dog.

Biggie’s a 5-years-old, purebred French Bulldog, fawn color, squishy black face, perpetually earnest expression. He has ears that look like sails. An No Tail. Whatsoever.

Zero. Nada. Just a bouncy liddle caboose and very good poss-chur. All in all, one super spruce poocheroo!

Soon as me an my assistant walked in the gym door, he trotted right over for the Wag-an-Sniff, wearin’ a tidy collar and short gold chain leash.

Since he was of French origin, I decided to employ one of the three French phrases I knew, just in case.

“Bone-SWAW, Mush-sure Bass!”

“Well Bone-SWAW to you, too, Dude! Welcome to our gym. This is my Mom, Sam, an my Dad, Travis. You can call me Biggie. An no need for French. I’m from Sara-SODA.”

“Thank Lassie!” I said, relieved. “I appreciate you takin’ time out of your busy day for an innerview.”

“Happy to, Bonz – er, may I call you Bonz?”

“Absolutely! You have such an intrestin’ life. I can’t wait to hear all about it, whenever you’re ready.”

“Born ready!” Biggie said, and I grabbed my pen. “Mom an Dad already had a Husky, Jaxx, an, cuz they’re at the gym, like, all the time, they were lookin’ for a more portable pooch to be the Gym Dog. An it hadda be a bulldog, but a liddle one. They found a good breeder On The Line with phodos of my litter – 10 of us. We were all irresis-tubble, squishy-faced fuzzballs but I was the irresis-tubble-est. So the breeder brought me to Lake Placid where Mom an Dad picked me up. I was only 10 weeks old, an not only portable as required, but also playful, cuddly an mellow. Basically perfect, if I do say so.

“Me an Jaxx had our first meetin’ at Gramma BamBam and Grampa Dave’s cuz it’s Noo-trull Territory. Got along right away. We’d chase each other. I’d do laps around him, of course. I’m not good at distance cuzza havin’ Very Short Legs, but I can Sprint Like Anything for a second.

“I was a pretty well-buh-haved pupper except for one liddle habutt: Chewin’ Furniture. Mostly the wooden end tables. When I was alone in the house for what I felt to be Too Long, I’d chew the legs. After a while, they were pretty much chewed up. And that was the end of the end tables. Thank Lassie, I outgrew that. Now I only chew my tennis balls. I love playin’ catch, an they’re just the right size for my not-large mouth. Dad sometimes Fake Throws, an I go roarin’ after it, then I ree-lize he didn’t ackshully throw it. Makes me feel like a Total Doof!

“I enjoy ridin’ in our car, an our golf cart, which we often take to work, since we live close by. Mom an Dad took me out on their jet skis one time, I had my own life vest an everything, but I was Not A Fan. I’m just not super into water, ya know? ’Cept in my bowl.

I do enjoy leash walks, an sunbathin’ on the deck. I sorta like the beach. It’s great for diggin’, but the ackshull water not so much. Diggin’ in the yard’s way more fun.”

“Do you have any speshull human or pooch pals?” I inquired.

“Lemme see, there’s my leash walk neighbor Casper an his human, Miss Danielle. He’s liddler than me even. Jaxx is way bigger an probly kinda intimidatin’, but Casper’s not afraid of me. He says we’re Fun Size.

“My human gym buddies are Liam, he’s 8 in human, an Landon, he’s 5. My Mom an Dad offen watch ’em, here at the gym, for their Mom an Dad. They’re Cool Kibbles liddle human puppers.

“Oh, an I almost for-GOT, we have a bran new Husky pupper at home, Nash, he’s jus 5 months old. We’re all three gonna go to Training Class together soon as he gets the OK from our vet, after his No Puppies Procedure.”

“Any favrite foodstuffs?”

“Well, I totally love buh-nanas an peanut budder. Since I have a Sensitive Tummy, I hafta eat speshull food. For a treat I get a chiggen an sweet puh-tado pot pie snack. Majorly Yummy. An if I need to take any medicine, Mom puts it in a liddle piece of buh-nana.”

“Humans are clever that way,” I observed, then asked, “Where do you sleep?”

“Well, Bonz, I am a Daddy’s Boy, so – I sleep with him. I know he totally loves me cuz I snore Really Loud! Ackshully, I don’t know if you noticed, but I sorta snort a LOT. Mom says I sound like a liddle piglet. Us French Bulldogs often have that issue cuzza our smushy faces. I guess it’s the price we pay for Adorable-ness.

“Anyway, I know it’s gettin’ close to bedtime when we all settle in together an watch TV. I speshully enjoy ‘Pup Academy’ on Netflix. When they bark, I bark back. It’s the puh-lite thing to do, doncha think?”

“Absolutely,” I agreed, then, “Speakin’ of TV, I saw on the Nooz a while back that, for the first time ever, a French Bulldog (who looks just like YOU!) won the top award, Best In Show, at last Thanksgiving’s National Dog Show. Congrats to you and your breed!”

“Thanks, Bonz,” Biggie replied. “I did see that. I just didn’t wanna boast but, since you brought it up, I thought it was about fluffin’ time us Frenchies received our Just Desserts!

We’re small but mighty. His name is Winston, by the way. He also won second at Westminster. His success makes me walk a little taller,” he grinned.

Headin’ home, I was thinkin’ about sturdy, bouncy, mellow Biggie Smalls, small in stature but huge in personality and definitely walkin’ tall.

Till next time,

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