This week’s innerview was another first for me. An WOOF! did I learn a lotta stuff about fellow cree-churs of the feathered variety. I have a feelin’ you’ll be able to guess their spee-shees when I tell you their names: Duckleberry Finn Norair and Duckbill Waddlesworth Norair.
They’re only 5 months old, and they look alike ’cept Finn’s tail feather is curlier: orange beaks, fabulous orange webfeet, blue eyes, an snow white feathers even softer than puppies or bunnies.
A nice lady met me an my assistant an led us to the shady backyard where the ducks live. They waddled over, talkin’ in soft, clicky voices. (I was expectin’ louder, quackier voices, but they explained only the girrrl ducks do the loud quackin’.)
“Hello! I’m Duckleberry Finn,” said one. “Just call me Finn. I shall be the Spokesduck.”
“I, Duckbill Waddlesworth, am Spokesduck!” said the other, giving Finn a big nudge. “You may call me Billie.”
“I’m the leader!” said Finn.
“No, you’re NOT!” protested Billie.
“Yes, I AM!”
“No, I AM!”
“No, I AM!”
“No, I AM.”
“I am hoping to talk with BOTH of you,” I inner-jected, opening my notebook. “It’s a huge honor to have the opportunity to innerview a fine Spokesduck Team such as yourselves.”
“Works for me,” said Finn.
“Works for me,” agreed Billie. “This is our Mom, Brittany. We also have a coupla brothers: Thai! He’s a dog like YOU; and Bane, he’s a cat. We all get along, cuz they know who’s boss. ME!”
“Ackshully – ME!” retorted Finn.
“ME!” said Billie.
“ME!” said Finn.
“So, fellas,” I prompted, “how did you an your Mom find each other?”
“We were a gift to Mom from a fren we call Aunt Margaret, cuz Mom was feeling GLUM an Aunt Margaret knew ducks’d cheer her up, since she grew up onna farm an had ducks previously,” said Billie.
“But not the cool kind like us, we’re Pekin ducks,” innerjected Finn.
“That’s true,” agreed Billie. “Aunt Margaret got us at a place called Tractor Supply. We were 3-day-old hatchlings, stuffed into big metal crates with a whole bunch of other chicks an ducklings. We were Very Lucky Ducks cuz most people buy our kinda ducks for dinner, not for come-PAN-yuns.”
“Oh, Woof!” I gasped.
“Humans hafta buy two, not just one duck, it’s a ROOL, so Aunt Margaret picked US, an drove us to here. Mom had everything all ready for us. LOOK!”
The two waddled around the yard, pointing out all the Cool Kibbles duck stuff.
“We have two kiddie pools, an lotsa grass where we can find duh-licious bugs. An look at our custom built house!” said Finn.
It was a duck-size wooden A-frame with a metal roof, inside a tall wire fence: it hadda living room anna bedroom with two comfy cat beds, just the right size for ducks, anna door that closed, so they’re always safe an cozy.
“Sweeet,” I said, admiring their A-frame. “So, whaddya eat; do you travel much; an, uh, do you, like, play an stuff?”
“Our favrite food is RED GRAPES!” said Billie. “We also enjoy lizards an most kinds of bugs, speshully after Mom mows the grass, cuz it’s easier to find bugsnacks. Once a week we have Sushi Night! Every morning we make sure Mom’s up at 6:30 so she has lots of time to assemble our duh-lish-us mixture of mealy worms, fruit, veg-tubbles an oats, which she puts in special Tupperware containers.”
“Sounds yummy,” I managed, summoning my Inner Duck.
“We don’t ackshully play like you dogs do, running around chasin’ stuff,” said Finn. “We swim in our big pool. Sometimes Mom plops berries in it. We waddle here, an also there. An we Nap.
We are great at Nappin’. We’re good when it’s cold or when it’s hot like now. Then we sit in the shade an nap. An pant. You dogs do that too, right? We also do a lotta cuddlin’ with Mom!”
“Yes! We love snuggles!” said Billie. “We are Mom’s Emotional Support Ducks, an we take that very seriously. Me an Finn are ALWAYS together. We do NOT like to be apart. An we follow Mom around whenever she’s outside.
“Sometimes we get to go in the house for a liddle while. Mom has this big, magical thing called a mirror. There are always these two ducks in it that look just like us, if you can buh-leeve it! We sometimes haffta let ’em know who’s boss. An, this is AMAZIN’, one of the ducks does EVERYTHING I DO. AT THE SAME TIME!”
I smiled, rememberin’ my own ‘Puppy-in-the-mirror’ days. “Where do you sleep?” I inquired.
“We sleep in our cat beds or standin’ up or sittin’. Or in our pool. We just tuck our heads under our wings an float around. Mom sometimes calls us Noodle Necks cuz of the noodle-y way we twist our necks,” replied Finn.
“For car rides,” Billie continued, “we have our own cozy carrier. One time we went all the way to a place called GEORGE-uh with Mom. She’s a photographer an she was takin’ pick-shurs of a wedding. It’s WAY far. We go to Starbucks for snacks, an go to Mom’s coed softball games.
Then we get to ride in our Super ducktacular bike trailer.”
“One time,” said Finn, “I was sorta limpin’, so Mom took me to a bird doctor in Sebastian who said I hadda in-flamed leg. They thought it might be the Dreaded Bumblefoot but it wasn’t. I got special medicine an laser treatmunts, an I hadda wear GOGGLES. I didn’t like it, but I was good, an Mom said I looked cool. Now I’m all better.”
Finn showed me a phodo of him wearin’ the goggles and, if you’ve never seen a duck in goggles, buh-leeve me it IS Exceedingly Cool.
Headin’ home, I was thinkin’ about my two new duck frens an about how we’re all a lot more alike than different under the fur and feathers.
Till next time,
