Boo Fallon is a big (90-pound), beautiful (golden), mostly (80 percent) Mastiff, with the genteel Southern manners of the Georgia Peach that she is, with a dash of Jersey Grrrl.
Because of that Dismal Dog Biscuits duh-zees that’s makin’ humans real sick, my assistant an Boo’s Mom an Dad observed that New Rool for Humans where they haffta stay way far apart and talk sorta loud. The Wag-an-Sniff is still OK for us pooches, an Boo came right up.
“Good afternoon, Mistah Bonzo. It is such a pleashuh to make your acquaintance. This is my Mom an Dad, Mary Ann an Tom. Can ah get you a snack, or some watah?”
“A pleasure, Miss Boo. Thank you, I just had lunch, so you can tell me your story whenever you’re ready.” I opened my notebook.
“Well then, ah’m 12 now, but ah was just 3 when ah found my Forever Mom an Dad. Ah was born in Georgia in circumstances that ah simply don’t recall. Ah do remembah several of us bein’ scooped up by a bunch of frenly humans called ‘11th Hour,’ and taken to a shelter in New Jersey.
“Before me, Mom an Dad had only had Rotties. They were dogless again, so Mom started lookin’ in the noos-paper for another one, an she saw mah pick-chur. Ah’m not a Rottie, but there was Somethin’ About Me. Howevah, she still wasn’t sure. Then she saw me in PetSmart, where 11th Hour puts rescue pooches to help ’em find Forever Homes. Ah was tryin’ to look as irresistible as a not-puppy-anymore pooch can look, an ah guess it worked. Mom wanted to get me Then-an-There. But 11th Hour wanted to be SURE I’d get The Best Home, an said she hadda get the OK from everybody else in the house. Which was Dad. Soon as he saw me, he knew I was THE POOCH! He says ah’m dee-LIGHT-ful!”
“Yea, YOU! Looks like your life is Totally Cool Kibbles,” I observed.
“Oh, Mistah Bonzo, ah can’t tell you how perfect it is. Ah have always done mah BEST. Ah LOVE humans, an ah’m so grateful Mom an Dad picked me. Ah’m registered with Home Again, which finds pooches who get lost or run away. But ah’m NEVAH, EVAH gonna leave Mom an Dad.
“Ah loved mah great big yard in New Jersey. The snow was fun, too. Ah hadda cozy winter coat. (Here ah just have a raincoat.) Ah also liked to sit on the bed upstairs an look out the window, watchin’ for other pooches to walk by. Then ah’d zoom down the stairs to the front screen door an bark at ’em, to say ‘Hi.’ Ah also liked the car rides on that 95 road, snowbirdin’ from New Jersey to down here an back. The very first night we moved to this house, a coupla years ago, ah was confused: It was an unfamil-yuh house, with boxes everywheah. So ah spent the night starin’ at Mom an Dad, like, ‘Where do ah GO? What do ah DO?’
“Now I’ve got a roo-TEEN: Ah wake Mom up at 5:30 on the nose for breakfast. She says ah know how to tell time. Which ah do. Well, Tummy Time anyway. An if Mom or Dad should perchance forget, ah do mah Groan-an-Stare. Works every time.
“Me an Mom an Dad put the flag up every morning an take it down every evening, which is Very Important an Serious. Then we do the un-serious stuff, like ridin’ in the golf cart. Ah LOVE golf carts. When ah see one, ah HAFF to jump in it. Even if it’s not ours, an Dad says ‘NO, BOO! NO!’ ah sometimes just can’t help mahself. But ah ALWAYS listen to Mom an Dad. Then ah decide whether to do what they suggest. Mostly I do, cuz they’re pretty smart, for humans. Also, full disclosure, I do tend to … how shall ah put it … slobber. Yes, ah’m a slobberer. But Mom, an Dad don’t hold it against me. Also, I have this, um, this CAT thing.”
“Cat thing?” I said.
“Yes. Well, ah’m not proud of it, an I’ve nevah, evah laid a paw on one, but this one time, ah was lookin’ out the screen door an this random cat strolled by. WELL, ah launched myself right through that screen full speed. BOOM! The cat was fine, but it freaked me AN Mom out. Other than that, Mr. Bonzo, ah’m a very sociable, frenly grrrl, truly.”
“I understand, Miss Boo. Cats ARE an acquired taste,” I told her, quickly adding, “figuratively speaking.”
“Me an Dad walk around the golf course two times a day. It’s like this big ol’ field covered with grass, an humans hit liddle balls with sticks. Ah don’t unnerstand why, but it sure makes ’em happy. Mostly. Funny thing, though, even though there’s all those liddle balls, the humans NEVER want us pooches to Fetch ’em. So ah Never Do. The humans always say hello to me cuz I’m so well behaved.
“Now that ah’m older, ah particularly enjoy sleepin’, relaxin’ and nappin’. In fact, Mr. Bonzo, mah goal in life is to perfect the Art of the Nap. An world peace.”
“Worthy goals, Miss Boo. Any pals?”
“Mah next door neighbor Rocco’s mah BFF. He’s a Bee-gull. We have playdates every day. Then there’s mah first cousin, Bandit; an Pico, down the street, he’s a rescue like me; anna buncha others. An, of course, mah human brother Tommy. He’s still in Jersey, but we visit two times a year.”
“How about favrite toys? Treats?”
“That’s easy: Mah toy rat, mah Kong, apples an green beans.”
The time had gone by fast, talkin’ with charmin’ Miss Boo. Heading home, I was thinkin’ about all you pet pals gettin’ used to diffrent schedules, an maybe bein’ with your humans a lot more. So keep on bein’ the best pooches – an cats – you can be.
Till next time,
The Bonz
