This week I innerviewed Abu Dignan, from Nigeria. I KNOW, right? She’s retired from a life of intrigue an MISS-try. She’s fit an pretty, with short, wiry hair; pointy ears; a fascinating face (like a fox or maybe a deer), with an Ever Vigilant expression; anna curved tail with a white tip. From the side, when she’s sitting up, she looks Egyptian.
We met at her human Grampa and Gramma’s house. I innerduced myself an my assistant, an Abu trotted up for the Wag-an-Sniffs. I tried not to stare.
“So good to meet you, Mr. Bonzo. This is my Gramma, Michele. Grampa Brad an my Dad, Patrick are under the sink. I don’t know why. This is my Mom, Emily. An THIS snoozy liddle human is my bran new sister Persie. She’s still a puppy.”
“So exciting to meet you all, Miss Abu,” I said. “I can’t wait to hear about your life.”
“My life thus far HAS been very exciting,” she said. “A lot of it, however, needed to be … what’s that word … redacted. Here’s what I CAN disclose. I was born in Nigeria and am what is officially known as an African Village Dog.”
“Cool Dog Biscuits! I said. “Um, what does that ackshully mean?”
“My ancestors, African Village Dogs, are free-breeding, free-roaming, outdoor dogs found on six con-ti-nuts, living near human settle-mutts. My DNA paperwork, from a cool website called Embark (get it?), says we ‘serve as trash cleaners, sentinels’ an, once inna while, companions of humans. We have our own separate dog line. An we have a lotta what Embark calls ‘wolfiness.’ I have 1.5 percent, which is high. We are known for being Independent and Resourceful, which is why (she leaned closer and lowered her voice) … not even Mom an Dad know this, So don’t tell, OK? When I was very young I was recruited by the CISTSTFWFBG.”
“What! No WAY!” I exclaimed. “I ackshully met another pooch in that service, back in 2016, Marco Burkhart. He was recruited in Jordan. Correct me if I’m wrong: that’s ‘Canines In Service To Save The Free World From Bad Guys And Cats,’ right?”
“Close. We don’t do that cats part anymore. In fact, we recruit them for their unique skills. The stealth factor, you know. Now they’re an important special branch.
“Woof!” I was totally impressed. “So how’d you find your Forever Famly?”
“Mom an Dad are in gover-mutt service, like me. They were livin’ in a compound in Abuja, Nigeria, an I was under cover with the local street dogs. It was dangerous because dog meat is real popular there. Most of us never get very old.
“One of Mom an Dad’s frens saw something in me, I guess, an scooped me off the street, tidied me up, got me meds for pair-a-sights. And innerduced me to Mom an Dad. Woof, did my life change. I always did have a nice disposition. Mom calls me sweet, even. An they named me for my hometown.
“I was a liddle nervous at first. I guess cuz I was highly trained by the CISTSTFWFBG to be ‘Cautious and Always Protect Your Six.’”
“Your what?”
“Oh, that’s our word for back. I didn’t have to eat ukky gar-budge Ever Again, either. Mom an Dad gave me chiggen an hamburger, which was uh-MAZ-ing. An I got my own bed, which I didn’t even haff to fight for!
“Then we all got transferred to Bogata, Columbia, which I really like. I got in with a nice pack of other gover-mutt pooches and I never had to worry about being anyone’s dinner. AN, that’s where my liddle sister, Persie was born.”
“I know you’re a terrific Big Sister,” I told her. “How’d you end up here?”
“We got transferred to Key West. We flew to Frankfurt first, which is inna country called Ger-munny. I curled up real, real small in my crate, an closed my eyes an went to my Happy Place durin’ the flying part. At the Frankfurt airport, they have this big nice Pooch Lounge, were you can stretch your paws, an getta drinka water and even Do Your Duty. Then we flew on to My-Ami. When Mom said, ‘Abu, we’re going to My-Ami,’ I thought it was her place. So I was callin’ it Mom’s Ami. Later I figured it out.
“I’d NEVER been inna place like Key West! I love it. I met Gramma an Grampa and went out on the boat with Grampa. At first, though, he hadda carry me, cuz I didn’t like the water an I was shakin’ like a leaf. Lookin’ back, it’s kinda embarrassing. Now, I jump right aboard. Still don’t like swimmin’, though. Gramma always gives me treats an toys, which I’d never even HEARD of. I ’specially enjoy anything that crinkles or squeaks. An those chewy bones with yummy bacon-flavored goo in ’em.
“We were posted in Alexandria, VER-gin-yuh, for a while, too. Met a buncha nice pooches there. For some reason, I’m really attracted to German Shepherds, like my Besties Mika an Columbia. We’d hang out an talk about guy dogs an the latest summer cuts, stuff like that.”
“Do you ever miss your old life, in the CISTSTFWFBG?”
“Oh, once inna while I think about those excitin’ days; being a pooch of the world; swoopin’ in, successfully completing my assignment, then vanishing, poof! like fog; racin’ across a dark field with the wind in my ears; Savin’ the World; never hangin’ up my collar in one place for long. But then I think of Mom an Dad, an Persie, and chiggen an toys an my nice comfy bed. I am one lucky grrrl.”
Headin’ home, I was thinkin’ about what an excitin’ life Abu has, an wishin’ I had had time to hear more of her stories. I think the most daring thing I ever did was accidently shake off in the living room after a dip in the pool.
Till next time,
The Bonz
