This week I innerviewed a totally joyful, frenly Irish Setter puppy, Red Simpson, who’s full of fun an smiles. Even though he’s just a sprout, 10 months old, he’s 65 pounds, an taller than me. He hasn’t quite grown into his legs, but already runs like one of those thoroughbred horses. He still acts like a sprout, though.
Red had sent me a woof-mail, inviting me for a visit, an right away I knew it’d be a fun innerview. He wrote, “My name is Red, I bed you can’t guess why,” an included a picksure of him with his litter Mom: two bee-ooti-ful pooches, with the sunshine reflectin’ off their dazzlin’ red coats.
Soon as we knocked, the door opened an there he was, waggin’ and wigglin’ an jumpin.’ He had long feathery-fluffy tail an legs, anna red collar an leash. Looked like a movie star.
“Hi, Mr. Bonzo! It’s ME, RED! I’m SO ex-CITED! I kept running to the door all morning! Come’on in. I’m tryin’ to ruh-member my MAN-ers.”
While he was rememberin,’ he grabbed his leash and did a few laps around the table.
“Oh! I know.” He petooied the leash. “We’re s’pose to do that wag thingy. Right?”
“Yep, Red, you got it right. The Wag-an-Sniff.”
After that, Red innerduced his Mom an Dad, Tim an Nelva. Just like any frenly puppy would, Red plopped himself into my assistant’s lap for some snuggles, then jumped off and an resettled in his Dad’s lap, long legs dangling an his Dad mostly hidden.
“I get to talk about me, right Mr. Bonzo?”
“Right, Red.”
“Oh, goody. Can I start now?”
“Absolutely.”
“OK, so, guess what? I’m duh-sended from a Movie Star.”
“No Woof? Who?”
“His ackshull name was Red Aye Scraps, but everybody called him just Scraps. He starred in that Walt Disney movie ‘Big Red,’ 392 years ago in 1962. He played Big Red himSELF. He was a CHAMP-yun, an he even won a special dog Oscar. Isn’t that so Cool Kibbles?”
“Totally! I gotta say, Red, you look like a movie star yourself. Where are you from?”
“Really, Mr. Bonzo? Thanks! I was born in Alabama, there were eight of us. Our pooch Dad was Guinness Big Irish, he was really SOMEthin.’ Mom an Dad went up to look at all of us. We had different color ribbons to tell us apart. Mom an Dad wanted the biggest, the red ribbon pupster. But he was taken, so they picked the next biggest: Thank Lassie! It was ME! Plus, I had a green ribbon which was more Irish. Just to be sure, I laid my head on Dad’s lap an gave him The Puppy Look. No human can resist that. Also, I gently grabbed his finger with my liddle puppy teeth an held on so he wouldn’t accidently forget me.”
“That should work. How’d you adjust?”
“I really missed my litter, and all that fluffy-ness. So Mom and Dad had this soft red rug and a fluffy Welcome Bear for when I arrived.”
“Aww, that was so nice!”
“Before I learned The Rools, I sorta crunched stuff. Like the remote. An shoes. But only one from each pair. That seems fair, right? I also usta swipe hankies, sox an golf gloves and put ’em in the yard. The Mom an Dad’d run around gatherin’ ’em back up. They didn’t like that game as much as me, tho.
“Now I got stuff figured out. I get beach leash walks, an I gotta big fenced backyard to gallup in. I relax in the grass next to Dad’s chair. It’s called Bonding. Oooo, an Mom an Dad took me to see the Clydesdales, the gi-normous horses that pull that fancy wagon fulla beer an have fluffy feet, cuz I’ve always wanted to meet the Famous Clydesdales’ Dalmatian, Brewer. THAT was exciting.
“To keep us siblings from missin’ each other an getting’ all droopy, we have a Facebook page: me, Rafi, Clover, Reagan, Tiger, Malley, Penny, Katie an our humans. We Keep In Touch an we’re gonna try to ackshully get together, too.”
“Pawsome Dog Biscuits!”
“One time, at the Dog Park, I was sayin’ hello to this nice human, an he asked Mom if I could come visit him an his frens. So we DID. They live in a big house called a nursing home. It was great. They said, ‘Hey, there’s Red!’ I got to meet lotsa nice humans, an they were really happy to see me, too. They were smilin’ an I was smiling.’ I can’t wait to go back.”
“Any special pals?”
“Oh, woof, yes! My total best fren is a liddle human, Kenzie, she’s my cuzzin. She’s 5. She visited for her birthday an we had the Best Time. She READ to me. Mostly Garfield. He’s a Cat. I never met a real one. I did meet a landcrab once. I barked an barked. But I didn’t touch it. I mean, have you SEEN those big, grabby things? They could bite my nose off!
“My other human fren’s Sharina, she’s my trainer. My pooch pals are Dillon, a Yellow Lab; Apollo, a Catahoula; and my Pooch BFF Abby, a Black Lab.”
“Any special toys?”
He picked up a soggy yellow something. “Thith wub!”
Then he petooied it. It was a stuffed Imogie. He left an returned carryin’ a soggy white something else with boogly eyes. “Thith wubs by FABEbrud!”
Petooey!
It was a big stuffed flea. I woof you not! A stuffed flea with boogly eyes wearin’ a T-shirt that said “Bite Me.”
I was laughin’ pretty much all the way home, just thinkin’ about happy Red, the 65-pound lap puppy. An thinkin’ if I got a statement T-shirt like his stuffed flea had, mine’d probly read, “Where’s the Bread?” Just sayin.