No Bull! Bonz says this Mastiff is one cool Dude

Woof! Wait’ll you hear who I interviewed this week. I mean, this poocheroo takes Cool Kibbles to a whole new level. He’s a 110-pound Bull Mastiff who everybody calls “The Dude.” I KNOW! Right? We met in his office over by the HOS-pittle, where he works a coupla days a week as a consultant and patient support associate.
Soon as me an my assistant entered the office, we spotted a sign on the inside door that said, “The Dude Abides.” The receptionist said The Dude’d be with us in a minute, an pretty soon he came strollin’ out, big, good lookin’ pooch, fer sure, lotsa character, black around his sorta mushy face and gold everywhere else.
“Bonz! Dawg! Great to meet you! I’m Dude Heskel: They call me The Dude. This is my Pop Pop, Neil. My Mom – I call her Bunn – travels a lot  for work, so me an PopPop are bachin’ it.”
I noticed The Dude’s dad was wearing this cool tie with Bull Mastiff silhouettes all over it. Sweeet.
“It’s a pleasure,” I told him.
After the Wag-and-Sniff, The Dude led us back to his office. On the way, I commented on “The Dude Abides” sign and he showed me the back, which they turn to the front when he’s left the building. It says, “The Dude has gone bowling.”
I was a little puzzled. “Bowling?”
He chuckled. (Most dogs don’t know HOW to chuckle, but it totally suited The Dude.) “See, I was named for that guy in the movie “The Big Lebowski.” Back in the ’90s humans went barkin’ nuts  for it. Anyway, a human called Jeff Bridges played The Dude, who was Super Cool (for a human). And he loved bowling. So, since I’m a cool dude myself …”
“Woof! That’s Way Pawsome! You’ve sure got it goin’ on!”
“You bet yer Beggin’ Strips.”
“So tell me about yourself,” I urged.
“Sure, Dawg! It can get a little confusing, so stop me anytime.”
“Roger that.”
“So, when my human sister Katie was startin’ med school, she decided she wanted a dog, so she did some research an found out us Bull Mastiffs are good at stayin’ home, and aren’t super high-maintenance like some of those fluff-muffin-y diva dogs (no offense). So she got King. He was a real champion, a big deal pooch fer sure. He just stole hearts right and left, including Bunn’s. He had about 50 kids all together. So, Bunn totally wanted one of King’s puppies. But all his kids had families already, ’cept for the very last litter before he retired. The breeder out in Cali told Bunn only one puppy from that litter was still available – ME. SHE says she told PopPop, but PopPop says he doesn’t exactly remember that. Anyway, by the time she got back in touch, it was Too Late: Somebody’d put a deposit on me, an poof! I was gone.
“Bunn was bummed, but, just in case, she called First Dibbs on me, if they changed their minds. WELL, Bonz, as you probly figured out, the first deal fell through.”
“Woof! That was a close one!” I exclaimed.
“You bet your biscuits it was! Bunn an PopPop had me flown all the way from Cali, an they picked me up in OrLANdo. I was only 4 months old and sorta nervous at first. But not for long. Now I have the coolest life. I love my family, an I have a ton of pooch an people friends. At work, I’m really good at helping patients stay nice an calm, an I’m always available if they need a Second Opinion.
“I usta play in the ocean, but I drank too much salt water and barfed all afternoon. So that’s out. Other than goin’ for walks and the occasional car ride, I’m cool just hangin’ out at my place, right along river, with the fam. You know, that peaceful, easy feelin.’”
“Word,” I said.
“You’ll get a kick outta this Bonz. You’d think cuz I’m a big, impressive poocheroo I’m a fearless watchdog. For example, this is my bark.”
And he bellowed  out this Big Deep Bark that startled the kibbles out of me. I picked up my pencil from the floor. “Dog! That was intense!”
“I KNOW. So that alone can keep bad guys away. But, truth be told,” he leaned closer, “when there’s a car backfire, or thunder or fireworks, I hide under the bed.”
“No woof!”
“Lassie’s Honor. PopPop’s thinkin’ about getting’ me a Thundershirt.” The Dude’d been chewing on a toy panda, and now he arose, dropped the slightly soggy bear, and ambled over and laid his big head on his PopPop’s knee.
“Any special pooch pals?” I queried.
“I’m buds with all the neighborhood dogs, but my cross-the-street neighbor, Quinnie Campbell, she’s special: prettiest little Yellow Lab you’d ever wanna meet.” He sighed and got That Faraway Look.
“I hear ya, Dawg,” I said.
I couldn’t believe it was time to go already. “It was great yappin’ with you, Dude. You’re a dog after my own heart.”
“Back atcha, Bonz. Hey, let’s get together one of  these nights. We can have coupla Meat Pops an watch ‘The Big Lebowski.’ It’s my fav!”
“Lookin’ forward to it,” I told him.
Heading home, I was makin’ a mental list: Tell Mom about Meat Pops. Put antlers on the grocery list. Circle my birthday on the calendar!