Mardy Fish seemed to be caught off-guard. “Is this a comeback or a farewell tour?” I asked him, following up on our conversation last month, when he – in an exclusive interview – told VeroNews.com that he was planning to return to competitive tennis at next month’s BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells, Calif.
Fish, now 33, grinned as he mulled his response. “That’s a really good question,” he said. “I really don’t know the answer. That’s one of the reasons I never officially retired, even though there were lots of times I thought I’d never play again.
“But even then, I didn’t like the way my career ended,” he added. “I felt tennis still owed me something.”
Most of you know his story:
Fish, who grew up in Vero Beach and turned pro in 2000 at age 18, was enjoying a late-career surge and playing the best tennis of his life when he was knocked off the courts by a frightening heart ailment, which brought on a crippling anxiety disorder.
He had rededicated himself to the game after a season-ending rib injury in 2009, embracing a strict fitness and nutrition regimen that helped him drop 30 pounds and climb into the top 10 in the ATP World Tour rankings.
He reached a career-high No. 7 in 2011 and established himself as America’s best hope to win a men’s Grand Slam singles title – something that hasn’t happened since Andy Roddick took the trophy at the 2003 U.S. Open.
But in early 2012, he began experiencing severe cardiac arrhythmia, which produced palpitations and pounding in his chest.
The terrifying episodes occurred mostly when he was asleep at night and, he said, made him feel “as if my heart was going to explode,” jarring him awake with fears that he was going to die.
It was after a March loss in Miami that Fish was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. Two months later, he underwent a procedure to correct the faulty electrical connections in his heart.
His heart was fine and he was medically cleared to resume his tennis career.
And he tried.
But he couldn’t.
Fish played only 32 matches in 2012 and, although he reached the quarterfinals in Toronto and Cincinnati that summer, the anxiety attacks worsened – so much so that, only minutes before what was supposed to be a nationally televised, Labor Day showdown against Roger Federer in the U.S. Open’s Round of 16, he withdrew from the tournament.
The anxiety disorder made it impossible for him to play tennis. For a while, it made it impossible for him to leave his Los Angeles home.
The extent of that mental scar, however, was known only to his wife, parents and closest friends.
“I didn’t know anything about this disorder before it happened to me, but millions of people all over the country are dealing with it,” Fish said. “I’m still dealing with it. I’m doing way better than I was, but I still deal with it.
“It’s a daily battle.”
Medications have helped. So have visits with renowned sports psychologist Jim Loehr.
Two summers ago, in fact, Fish’s condition improved to a point where he attempted to embark on a second career as a professional golfer.
In the fall of 2013, he competed in two fall tournaments on the All-American Gateway Tour – a developmental circuit for up-and-coming pros hoping to someday play on the PGA Tour – in Arizona.
Though he failed to make the cut in either event, he went on to pick up his first paycheck in pro golf in early 2014, finishing in a tie for fifth in a Golden State Tour event in California. He then played in a U.S. Open local qualifier and earned an alternate spot.
Late last year, however, he abandoned his pursuit of professional golf and turned his focus back to tennis.
“There were a few factors,” Fish said. “First, I was feeling a lot better. Second, I realized that, as much fun as I was having with golf, it was going to take a while for me to get to where I needed to be – a lot of time that, at this point in my life, I really didn’t have.
“Mostly, though, it was just getting out on the court and hitting tennis balls again,” he added. “I started off just hitting for the workout, but the more I hit, the more I wanted to hit. That’s when it struck me: Tennis is where I belong.”
Earlier this winter, Fish spent time practicing in L.A. with 2014 Wimbledon semifinalist Grigor Dmitrov – the 23-year-old Bulgarian was seeded No. 10 at last month’s Australian Open, where he lost in the fourth round to eventual finalist Andy Murray – and was encouraged enough to begin training seriously for a return to tennis.
But he hasn’t played a Tour event since August 2013, when he retired in the third set of his third-round match against Jarkko Nieminen at the Winston-Salem Open.
“Right now, I’m committed to Indian Wells,” said Fish, who has won six ATP Tour singles titles, reached the quarterfinals at the Australian Open (2007), U.S. Open (2008) and Wimbledon (2011), and compiled an 11-8 record in singles and doubles in 11 U.S. Davis Cup matches from 2002 through 2012. “Barring any setbacks, I’ll play the next tournament in Miami, too.”
And then?
“Then,” he said, “I’ll reassess.”
Whether he continues will depend greatly on how he feels being on the court, playing in front of crowds and competing again at the game’s highest levels.
He played doubles with his former coach, Mark Knowles, in a $100,000 Challenger event earlier this month in Dallas and, despite losing in the second round, came away still eager to play at Indian Wells.
Under Tour rules, Fish will return to competition using a protected ranking of No. 25, because he was forced off the courts by injury or illness.
That ranking, however, does not make him eligible for seeding.
“I’ve worked extremely hard to get myself back in tennis shape and I’m excited about playing again, but it’s been 20 months since I’ve been out there, so I’m being realistic,” Fish said. “I’m not worried so much about the competition, but I’ve got to get a feel for the pressure again – for playing with expectations and handling big moments in matches.
“It’s a little far-fetched to think I’m going to get back to the top 10,” he added. “Even if I do decide to keep playing after Miami, I’m not going to play a full schedule. I’m definitely not going to play the clay-court season. That’s too much travel, too much of a grind. I’m just not ready for that.
“But I’ve always enjoyed the grass, so I’d love to go back to Wimbledon again.”
And the U.S. Open?
“I’d love to play there, too, but that’s a long way off,” Fish said. “Who knows where I’ll be at that point? Is this something I’ll still want to do, with the demands it puts on my family? Maybe I’ll decide to just play doubles, which would be easier on my body.
“I don’t know where all this is going to go,” he added. “I really don’t.”
All we know now is that, unless something changes across the next couple of weeks, it’s going to Indian Wells and probably Key Biscayne.
It might be a comeback. It might be a farewell tour. It might be one last chance to say a proper good-bye.
“I didn’t like the way things ended,” Fish said. “I had a great career, but it was taken away from me when I was at the top of my game. That’s tough to swallow. No athlete wants to go out that way.
“Even if it turns out that I play only a tournament or two, I’d like to finish my tennis career on my terms.”
Let’s hope he does.
Tennis owes him that much.