INDIAN RIVER COUNTY — For some people, the stress and anxiety started before Thanksgiving — when they saw the first Christmas decorations in the stores around Halloween – and brought them the impending doom of the holidays.
Whether it’s worry over being able to get everything done, going into debt to create the perfect Christmas for everyone or the angst over seeing family members long avoided, December is the time for an estimated 80 percent of people to experience some form of the holiday blues. When entered in a Google search “holiday blues” returns 42.5 million results.
Barrier island resident Dr. Daryl Millman, who earned her doctorate in clinical psychology from the Chicago Medical School in 1990 and has been a practicing clinical psychologist for nearly two decades, said holiday stress is pervasive, but tends to be more prevalent among women.
“It’s usually the mom who takes on all the responsibilities for the shopping and the cooking and making everybody happy,” Millman said. “And she may need help but may not be getting enough help from her husband or children. She may also not really know how to effectively ask for help.”
Millman said she reminds clients that Christmas is not a competitive sport. Some people try to compete with siblings or friends or neighbors. Others try to replicate mom’s decorating or grandma’s pies and hold themselves to an unattainable standard of perfection.
“If you go at it with the aim of having a perfect Christmas, you are just setting yourself up for failure,” Millman said.
The holiday blues may hit men later, in January when all the credit card bills come in and all the hoop-la is over. Recent surveys showed that more than 75 percent of people are anxious about finances this holiday season.
Regardless of gender or financial status, there may be a “let down” period after the party’s over, so to speak. The guests are gone, grown children back to college, grandkids scattered across the country, an empty nest all over again.
The Mental Health Association of Indian River County offers help year-round for people struggling with not only depression, but a wide range of mental health challenges.
Licensed Mental Health Clinician Beth Griffin said that, at least in the four years she’s worked there, the association’s phones definitely light up as the holidays approach. But the problems people face continue and the association stays busy through the anti-climactic period after the New Year.
“Some people do everything they can to hold it all together over the holidays, then when it’s all over they fall apart,” Griffin said.
The sense of disappointment may be especially bad if all the effort didn’t seem to be appreciated by family and friends or if the holidays yielded arguments or hurt feelings among the turkey and eggnog.
Speaking of the eggnog, it might be best to go easy on the bourbon.
Millman said that alcohol can make the holiday blues worse, so use moderation when enjoying that glass of holiday cheer. The constant presence of alcoholic beverages at parties over Christmas and New Year’s can be an excuse to exceed normal limits.
Just as traumatic experiences can cause holiday blues, so can the pressure to “live up to” the idealized holidays of childhood or of the past.
“Don’t romanticize Christmases of the past,” Millman said.
Millman and Griffin both suggest prioritizing, choosing a couple of special things that you cherish from childhood to do with your own family. If doing it all seems overwhelming, she suggests passing the traditions along by involving children, giving them a job to do that is tied to carrying forth a custom or ritual.
Childhood memories and family dynamics — for good or for bad — can play a huge role in whether a person looks forward to or utterly dreads the holidays. Sibling rivalries can rear their heads when everyone gets together to report back on the year’s triumphs and tribulations.
“No matter how old you are or how grown up, you’re always the baby brother or whatever when you go home for the holidays,” Millman said.
New members joining the family through marriage can also be a source of stress, as adapting to someone else’s “normal” is not always easy.
“Every family has their own traditions,” Millman said. “
Some families are very affectionate, some are more reserved. Some go all out on presents and some draw names and buy just one gift or buy only for the kids.
Every member of the family may have a set role or dish to cook and, for a new person, finding all of this out and carving a niche — at least for the first couple of years — may try even the most stable of relationships.
There is also the power struggle over who goes where and when, who hosts the dinner, the Christmas brunch, where the presents are opened.
“At some point, young families may just tell the parents that they want to stay home and start their own traditions,” Millman said. “That’s just a natural evolution of families, but it can leave parents or grandparents alone and isolated. We need to remember the older members of the family who may feel left behind.”
In the flurry of activity, Millman said it’s crucial to remember that older relative or friend who might be ill, who might not be able to get around or who might have lost a spouse. A little joy from a visit, a bouquet of flowers or even a phone call can go a long way to brighten the holidays of an elderly person.
Services at the Mental Health Association are open to any resident of Indian River County. Counseling is provided on a sliding scale and are funded through private donations and grants.
Outside of business hours, Griffin said help is always available by calling 211.
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Mental and Emotional strategies:
Keep expectations realistic, don’t shoot for “perfect”
Prioritize social and family commitments
Delegate smaller tasks to family members to pass on traditions
Don’t romantacize past holidays
Agree upon a system for gifts, such as one present each, only for the kids, etc.
Reconnect with the spiritual meaning of Christmas
If you’ve had a major loss and grief is the source of holiday blues, acknowledge it
Determine if the pressure to create “perfect” holidays is from without or from within
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself, do something to help others
If it’s more than just holiday blues, get help (see signs of depression)
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Physical strategies:
Get enough sleep, try not to change sleep schedule
Don’t skip meals while running around on holiday errands
Say no to that extra latte — caffeine can exacerbate stress and anxiety
Watch your intake of sweets to avoid a sugar high and the inevitable low
Keep up your regular exercise regimen, even if busy or traveling
Escape the overwhelm by meditating or taking a walk
Don’t stop taking any prescribed medications
Don’t overindulge in alcohol
Give yourself a massage, facial or pedicure for Christmas
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Symptoms of depression:
Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening or oversleeping
Loss of appetite or weight loss
Overeating or weight gain
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, if you experience five or more of these symptoms every day for two weeks, seek professional help. If you have recurring thoughts of death or suicide, get help immediately. The Indian River County mental health hotline is 211. During business hours, immediate help is available through the Mental Health Association of Indian River County by calling (772) 569-9788 to speak with a clinician.