This week I innerviewed Mildred Woodruff, a Golden Retriever who’s about 5 anna half or 6. It was speshully fun cuz it was onna BOAT. In the WAH-ter. It was attached to the dock, but it was a FIRST for me.
Mildred works at a Cool Kibbles liddle store with stuff humans use for fishin’; anna dock with a buncha funny liddle flat boats you stand on.
When me an my assistant walked in, Mildred was right there wearin’ a halter anna bandanna with anchors on it, welcoming my assistant an two other humans. Me, not so much.
A frenly man inna hat appeared an gave Mildred a reassuring pat on the head. She didn’t approach, but addressed me in a soft, pleasant voice, “Welcome, Mr. Bonzo. I don’t wish to be impolite, I’m just mostly a People Pooch. I’m Mildred Woodruff. This is my Dad, Chris. My Mom, Emily, works from home. I am truly happy you’re writing about me. If it’s OK with you, we can yap on the boat. It’s quieter.”
“A pleasure, Miss Mildred. Sure, the boat’s fine!” I gulped, an my paws started feelin’ tingly.
Mildred’s Dad snapped her leash on, an we walked along the dock toward the boat. Soon as we went through a liddle gate, her Dad unleashed her, an Mildred zoomed off down the dock, scatterin’ a buncha birds that’d been hangin’ out. (Mildred was feminine AN athletic. I was impressed.)
When we caught up to her at the boat, she explained sweetly, “It’s MY dock, so I make sure those featherballs don’t mess it up. The liddle ones are C-gulls. The ones with the big, scoopy pouches on their bills are PELLY-cans. They like it here cuzza the fish. Welcome aboard.”
I had Wobbly Paws at first cuz the floor (Mildred calls it a deck) was floatin’ on the water an movin’ a liddle bit. After I got used to it, it was Totally Cool Kibbles.
“So, Miss Mildred,” I said. “How’d you find your Forever Famly?”
Mildred sat next to her Dad an began her tail, popping up occasionally to bark at a bird swooping past.
“When I was younger, I was ’dopted from a Golden Retriever Rescue in South Florida by a nice famly. But some sad things happened an they couldn’t keep me cuzza me being Very Bouncy and, also, I got anxious when I got left alone (which was a lot) and chewed stuff up. So I got returned. That’s when my Forever Mom an Dad found me, Thank Lassie.
“At first they planned to ’dopt an old rescue dog so she could spend her Golden Years with a loving famly. They even hadda name picked out: Mildred was my Mom’s gramma’s name. But when they saw my pick-shur on Facebook, they ree-lized I was The Dog For Them.
“But first they had to apply. The Rescue people wanna make SURE we go to The Best Possible Pet Parents. I guess our breed is popular, cuz there were 70 applications for me. Mom was duh-TERMINED to get me, so she pruh-pared this Big Presentation. She’s Really Good at stuff like that. It was called ‘A Day in the Life of Honey’ (that was my name then). There were lotsa words an pick-shurs of ‘me’ doing a buncha Cool Kibbles stuff to show how my life with Mom an Dad would meet all the rescue requirements.”
“Woof! That is Totally Crispy Biscuits!”
“I KNOW! Right? An it was All True! I admit, when I first got to my Furever Home, I was, well, a liddle nuts, still pretty ram-BUNK-shus, with a serious case of the Zoomies. Mom an Dad were afraid I’d be worried they’d leave me alone. So they made sure they didn’t, an when I figured that out, I ruh-LAXED: Every day, I’m here with Dad or home with Mom. An now I only get a few liddle Zoomies when squirrels are involved. An I haven’t chewed Anything At All since they ’dopted me.
“Pre-me, Mom was First Mate an Dad was Captain. But when I came along, I became First Mate an Mom switched to Deck Hand. That’s cuz I don’t have thumbs, which the Deck Hand needs.
“Me an Mom love the beach. An this one time we had a Grrrls’ Road trip to George-juh, an we hiked. Me an Dad go on off-road ad-ven-churs in The Truck. An of course, I love going out in the boat. I do lotsa boat tours with Dad an, guess what? We even have a special Mildred Tour.”
“No Woof! That is Seriously Crispy Biscuits, Miss Mildred! Do you have any special toys or Pooch Pals?”
“I’m pretty shy around fellow pooches. I do have two BFFs, rescues like me: Pamba, he’s a Corgie; an Scarlett, she’s a Pit Bull, very sweet. We meet at the dog park, an have sleep-overs, an go on boat trips to the liddle river islands with our humans, where we can run around leash-free! An once we had an excitin’ Hurri-cation to a place called Asheville, to escape from a scary storm.
“My favrite toys are Balls (I usually have one in my mouth or nearby); an my Hedgehog. I remove his squeaker, and Mom puts him back together, probly a million times so far an he still squeaks!”
“I assume you swim?”
“Of course, silly,” she smiled. “Altho I never jump off the boat. Me an Mom do Paddle Boarding an, Guess What? We won third prize in the Paddle Dash. That’s like a race, for a Good Cause. Wa-ay fun!
“At night I sleep safe an snuggly with Mom and Dad. It’s a good thing it’s a Very Big Bed cuz I stretch my legs straight out, usually on Dad’s side. I’m a lucky grrrl, Mr. Bonzo.”
Heading home, I was thinkin’ about my boat ad-ven-chur; an about Miss Mildred; an wishin’ I had accidently-on-purpose left my pencil or notebook on the boat so I’d hafta go back an get it.
Sigh.
