Bonz says canine Owen Wilson is hilarious, too

This week I had a super fun innerview with Owen Wilson Armuth-Close, a big, good lookin’ poocheroo, golden with a white face his Mom calls “frosting.” He’s got his own Facebook page,  too, with lotsa fodos an other huh-LARRY-us stuff. Totally Cool Kibbles! He was right at the door with his Mom for the Wag-and-Sniff,  wearing a green bandana with  candy canes on it.

“Bonz! Hey, Dog! Come right on IN! We got all our Christmas stuff up! An, see here, I got my Christmas Scarf on! Pretty snazzy, right? This is my Mom, Jo. She’s a flight attendant. My Dad Mike’s flyin’ today. He’s a PIE-lutt!”

“It’s a pleasure, Owen Wilson! I’m eager to hear your story.”

We all sat by a Big Christmas tree and Owen Wilson began. First thing he said was, “You can call me Owen – or O.W. I was born 14 years ago in Indiana. When I was a 6-week-old fluffmuffin, my (future) Mom an Dad and brother an sister (Jake an Jenna) were puppy shopping an they saw this ad in the paper for my litter. Well, I musta out-adorabled my sibs cuz I got picked. Jake (who was 7) wanted to name me Steve, but Mom an Jenna (who was 17) said Steve was NOT a good Yelling Name, as in ‘HEEEERE, STEEEEVE!’ So Jenna came up with Owen Wilson (he’s a human actor who does a buncha comedy an is sorta nuts), an, it’s great for yelling.”


“Can’t argue with that,” I laughed. “So, are you an only dog?”

“Nope. When I first arrived, Roxy was here. She was a stray, a Boxer mix. After she realized I was here to stay, she became my big sister, taught me lotsa stuff. I usta be a total Wild Man, Mom says. But Roxy was calm. I was 12 when she went to Dog Heaven. When I turned 13, I decided maybe I should try to be more ma-CHUR.

“How’s that workin’ out for ya?” I wondered.

“Well, now I help Dad with his business. Not the flyin,’ (but I do wanna train to be his co-pie-lutt). He also has a pen business. I can’t ackshully operate the equipment cuz of not having opposable thumbs. However, I am his Official Closer, a Very Serious Position. I have a GIFT. Humans just like me. What can I say? Plus, I have WISdom cuz I’m old – 98 in people years.

“When I’m not workin,’ I play with my toys. I LOVE TOYS. Got two big baskets full. Once my blue octopus tried to escape though my doggie door, so I hadda isolate him to avoid a MUTE-nee!

“I also do a lotta hangin’ out with my frens on the beach. We are Total Beach Pooches. Simon’s an Official Golden Doodle, but he’s all black. Go figure. Then there’s Taco, a chihuahua mix; an Rosie, a fluffy white rescue. I also have a cousin, Raven, a Basset Hound. He SWIMS, which is Abby-Normal for a Basset. His tail sticks out of the water the whole time, so he has no rudder. I dunno how he does it. I don’t swim that much now, but I do put my life vest on and hang out in the shallow end. Plus, I had this neck injury which slowed me down, but now I’m getting this great treatment which helps A Lot. It’s called ACK-u-punk-shure. My vet, Miss Marcia, says,  ‘Don’t ask!’ so I don’t. I just lie quietly for a liddle while, then I feel all better.

“I also have a brother, Schooner. He’s a Beta fish from Key West. (Man, I LOVE Key West. Had my last birthday there. With cake. Got to wear my shades. An DOG, do they know how to par-TAY! Ever hear of a place called Hog’s Breath?) Anyway, when I first saw Schooner, I said, “Oh, Boy. Sushi!” (I though he was lunch.) But Mom an Dad explained. Schooner still gives me A Look when I walk by his bowl.

“Any favorite food? Other than sushi?”

“Well, once I stealthily swiped a couple biscuits off the counter. Dad thought Mom did it. An I am a (mostly) reformed Pie Thief: I’ve been known to successfully counter-surf for a Lemon Meringue pie. Leave those Cat Burglars in the dust!

“I get two 1-mile leashwalks a day, an do a lotta zoomin’ around in between. Mom an Dad say I live up to my name cuz I make people laugh. One time, Dad put my ears up in a Man Bun. That was pretty huh-LARRY-us, everyone thought!”

“I can imagine!” I looked around at all the cool Christmas stuff. “Woof, your place is PAWsome. Puts me in the Holiday Mood.”

“I help Mom wrap prezzents, an I really like OPENING prezzents. I dig all our Christmas stuff ’cept this one thing – kinda a toy, kinda a decoration – a rocking reindeer. I tell ya, Bonz, I’m a pretty chill poocheroo, but this goofy thing drives me Barkin’ Cuckoo! It rocks an sings an its red nose lights up, for Lassie’s Sake! It’s just obNOXious!”

“Travel much?” I inquired.

“Love it! Once, we heard some guy named Matthew was gonna visit. I thought, ‘Cool Kibbles!’ cuz I love visitors. But then, we pack some stuff and drive to Orlando, where we hang out with some frens an watch TV. EVERYbody’s talkin’ about how this Matthew guy’s gonna come knock the dog biscuits outta us. THEN Mom an Dad say, ‘We’re goin’ home.’ I never did meet Matthew. Who is he? What’s up? Humans can be weird.”


Heading home, I was thinkin’ how cool it’d be to have a pooch like Owen for a big brother: chillaxin,’ yapping about Dog Stuff. An maybe we could learn to fly together. I wonder if you really need opposable thumbs for that.


Till next time,

The Bonz

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